Najwa's

2009-09-28T11:54:00.003+08:00

happy girl, me.

yesterday, i met my M for lunch. i didn't eat actually. i just talked and confided in her. the one thing which made me feel very guilty, is that she waited for me for one hour. she was about to bite my head off but i think my explanation soothed her anger.

my M met me despite being tired and exhausted from work and nursing a very bad headache. she sat through almost 3 hours at our meeting place and listened to me even though i know she badly needs sleep to ease her pain. for this, i am very thankful to my M, who i love very, very much. my M is the best. :)

M, if you are reading this, i love you okay... :). i know i have said this many times but i do love you very very much.

oh M, stop sniffling. :)

2009-09-08T17:26:00.004+08:00

hi people :)

i know i have not been updating for a very long time... mainly becuase i have been busy. the other reason is of course, that i have a private site which allows free flow of thoughts and not restricted like blogspot. so, since all my issues are posted there, i have nothing to blog about here, perhaps just those mundane things that everybody has been up to.

things have been hectic with much more to come my way as the months proceed. but they say, when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. right? someone told me this too. love you. :))

so in no order of merit, here are the things that have happened in my life.

1) outing with M for two consecutive weekends.. of course i did nothing but teased the hell out of her.

2) back to juying for teacher's day to meet the famous Mr Lim who was holding back tears of joy.. because his name still exist in our dictionaries. reminscenced secondary school time.. and all in all, i still love my 4E1. the besstt class ever.

3) finally caught up with my lovely Scandal.. who i might add. is getting more pretty by the day with her make up and stuff. lol, dear, your fake eyelash really make me smile.. love you sweety.

4)nabilla came to my house on one of the days to break fast together. i haven't seen her for such a long time that it felt like years. we caught up on stuffs and it felt like the old times. :)

5) i met Mrs Teo yesterday for dinner at Swensons! i thought that it must be my imagination, but she seems to look more beautiful each time i see her. hmmm. i wonder what secrets she has! anyway, we caught up also and i'm sure she missed my drama.

6) school have been okay.. save for one person who made my school life horrible of late. i shall not mention names, for i have been told to be discreet.

7) sudden passing on of a dear former classmate of mine. rest in peace.

8) there are so many things that have been going on, i totally forgot about it. but one thing's for sure, i miss you, my friends, especially my Lover who i have not seen since... since errrr may? or was it april?

a few more laps... just do it.

bye people. have a nice day.

2009-08-30T21:20:00.005+08:00

poems for teachers :)

i know i havent been posting anything. but that's only because i have another blog in which i only allow two people in. that blog is private. :) . anyway, to this public one, i shall let you read my poems.

poem for Mr Lim:

You contribute to our world with your gifts of patience,
Words of knowledge, laced with understanding and care,
You seek the inner light in each of your student, and they are blessed with your presence,
You kept the spark of learning bright in each of your every charges,
With the undeniable realisation that intelligence cannot always be measured by ways of man.

With a heart that deeply cares,
You seek the best,
And through every life that you have touched,
Our welfare, a priceless posession that you hold close to your heart.

You taught me one day at a time knowing that i was never the brightest,
Neither was i the one that shone amongst the others,
But doubted me, you never did, not even once,
There was never a tinge of impatience in your voice,
Not even anger, let alone irritation,
Directed at i, who sometimes tested your patience,
Your kindness got my attention,
Each day you planted a seed,
Seeds of success, of motivation,
To rise above the others, an incredible need.

Mr Lim,
You are my favourite teacher,
Lip service this is not,
But a genuine term, in every sense of the word

poem for M:

You contribute to our world with your gifts of patience,
Words of knowledge, laced with understanding and care,
You seek the inner light in each of your students and they are blessed with your presence,
You kept the spark of learning bright in each of your every charges,
Wth the undeniable realisation that intelligence cannot always be measured by ways of man

a genuine person that is your description,
Always the sincere one, always so altruistic
she who never fails to give a hug when in need,
and she who never fails to chide to make us heed

you taught me one day at a time knowing that i was never the brightest,
neither was i the one that shone amongst the others,
but doubted me you never did, not even once,
there was no tinge of impatience in your voice,
Not anger, let alone irritation,
directed at i who sometimes tested your patience,
your kindness got my attention,
each day you planted a seed,
seeds of success, of motivation,
to rise above the others, an incredible need.

when you thought i wasnt looking- you imbibed confindence in me
when you thought i wasnt looking- you encouraged me
when you thought i wasnt looking- you showed me that you cared for the astute one and i wanted to be everything that i could
and when you thought i didnt know- you told me that you love me, three simple words that i hold dear to my heart in each waking moment.

For contributing to my litle world, thank you so much teachers and happy teachers day.

2009-08-10T22:01:00.002+08:00

thank you for a wonderful Saturday and the previous Sunday. though i love to tease you and make you sigh with my silly antics, you know i love you. LOL.

and be proud, be very very proud......................

that i updated this dusty blog of mine just for this picture kay. HMPH. now, stop shaking your head ah M.

2009-07-28T21:55:00.004+08:00

rest in peace......

dear you......

perhaps this is too late already since it has almost been one week. but i think as a person who knew you for 6 years, this is the least that i can do.

we are still in shock, but i have come to terms with your passing already. mourning over your loss is not going to bring you back. crying tears of anguish will not answer many of the questions that have been plaguing our minds ever since that day.

though we were not the best of friends, you are someone who i hold dear to my heart. your loss is felt alongside those who knew you more personally than me.

time will pass... 1 month, 6 months... 2 years...

but you will still remain in my heart. the twinkle in your eyes, your frustrations with me, your bright smile..

rest in peace dear. perhaps it is not in our destiny for us to get more closer to one another in this lifetime.

if there is fate and there's destiny, we shall meet in the morrows.

remember one thing, for those of you that i know personally:

we are still one unit- 4E1. always have been...

always will be.

2009-07-11T19:49:00.011+08:00

Favourite teacher birthday

over-dued post.

This post was supposed to be done a long, long time ago. but our dear Ms Chen Yanwen took a long, long time(read: she told me she will upload the pictures soon. her version of soon scares me) to upload the pictures from her camera to her computer. so, here it is.

Mr Lim turns a year older( i mean errr wiser), every 24 May. being the most caring and loving ex students that 4E1'07 always are, we always throw him a bash on that date. last year was a surprise celebration at school. but this year, we decided to bring him out.

the masterminds behind this, are Javier Lee and Elysia Chen who sent emails to everyone in 4E1 regarding the bash. and, the reason given to our 'unsuspecting' form teacher was a class gathering. which, if you think about it, is the partial truth.

so anyway, 20 of us, bless the actual 40 strong 4E1 students, turned up for the event at Fish and Co. we were excited at the prospect that we will see Mr Lim and that he will be 'pleasantly surprised'(read: embarrassed). to cut an amazingly long story short because someone told me my blog entries induces a yawn, we ate and then the surprise started.when i was talking to him, the waitresses approached our table with a cake.

i saw them but i acted like as if it was the most normal thing to do to distract him from turning to his left. and, to not bore you to tears, i shall explain using pictures.

the one standing beside him is actually the Fish and Co staff. let me fill you in. they approached the table the Star of the Day happened to be at, and they sang a birthday song. by then, he was the centre of attention of all the patrons of Fish and Co. Mr Lim, ever the shy one, was busy thanking the whole of 4E1 and the staff, thinking that we were so kind as to let him off and that was the most embarrassing thing we'll make him do. well, one of the staff who had a distinct Fillipino accent, took out a chair, put it in the middle of the walkway and asked him to stand up on the chair.that was when my favourite teacher realised he was in trouble. he politely declined and make a 'no, no' sign to us. by then, i could already see the wheels of his brain turning, thinking how he was going to get his way out of this one. so we pestered him.

me: stand up lar!

4e1: yalor, stand up la!

mr lim: no, i will sit, but i won't stand. come on! it's Saturday Night!

me: also won't kill you lor.( makes unhappy face)

mr lim: I DONT WANT.

the Fish and Co, staff went ' stand up, stand up, stand up!' and we all followed the lead, and the whole restaurant was chanting 'stand up stand up!'other customers were craning their necks to see what the whole fuss is all about and they were already laughing. by the way hor mr lim, did i tell you got two angmohs also help us chant? LOL. seeing that he was outnumbered, he gritted his teeth and like a real man, stood up on a chair. i could tell he was praying to all the Gods in the world.

then , we sang birthday song again. i really need to give credit to the Fish and Co. staff for their support. and mr lim was smiling so sweetly like as if someone was giving a speech about him or serenading him at JP. i personally think that mr lim would have preferred it if we had serenaded him last night. now mr lim, dont get me wrong. javier and gang would love to do that but we were afraid that you would have sleepness nights because you were so touched at our gesture.

this was the best BEST part. the staff held the cake like about 1m far from his face and asked him to blow it! he went ' what?!' the whole class was laughing until our sides hurt. his face was so traumatised that it sent us to peals of laughter. then, he dramatically sighed and mustering whatever ounces of courage and dignity he had left after the saga, he took a deep breath, and BLEW.

but my favourite teacher is a delicate person and he was blowing with all his might in between his uncontrollable laughter. so, three of the fire from the candles didnt went off. he made his traumatised face again and leaned towards the pillar and blew again. he blew and blew and blew and because God pitied him, the light finally went off.

then he said ' err can i go down now?' with such a pitiful face then the staff nodded and he went down with a huge sigh of relief. my sides nearly spilt just by looking at his expression. mr lim ah, i dont think you got your dramatic genes from me. i think it is natural in you already kay. so stop blaming me for every drama action of yours.HMPH.

he showed us that face because, of the card. the TEDdy bear is an inside joke which i , due to my inexplicable mercy today, shall not reveal. i personally think that he has been subjected to excessive trauma that day, so i shall not say anything! actually to tell you the truth, i knew he was about to cry and bare his soul and tell each and everyone of us how much he loves us. but, he couldnt do that could he? but his heart was bleeding because he was trying so hard to control his emotions. i can safely vouch for mr lim's unconditional love for 4E1'07 because............. look at the shirt. look at the shirt he was wearing carefully. CAREFULLY. 'trust no one, except 4E1.' now i have a nagging suspicion that he will make a new shirt and the words will read ' love no one, except 4E1.' then he confirm will give us the shirt also.

this is the original cake that javier and gang bought for him. but elysia was staring at it in absolute horror when she saw the cake. i was just wondering whether that classified for a cake or not. but nevermind, no hard feelings. so javier went ' eh mr lim, take picture with my cake ley. i so xin ku and ti tie buy for you.' so mr lim dutifully took the cake and smiled. then he still can ask 'is this cake for me to bring home?' with his most innocent face. so i said ' no la, it's for the fish and co staff.'

the girls with birthday boy.

the boys with birthday boy.

javvy and Mr Lim are the best of friends. they just love each other. oh by the way you people should have seen how javvy victimised me, and imitating my drama mama acts. lol. but funny is as funny does.
4E1! I LOVE THEM!

2009-06-22T00:22:00.009+08:00

always remember where you came from

after SYF in 2007 in which choir attained a certificate of participation.......

Mr Lim: i was at ViVo yesterday and i got you guys something. the choir people i mean.

Javier: i got or not?

Mr Lim(mock horror): No, you choir meh?

Javier: i tomorrow joining choir.

Mr Lim ignores.

he went to his desk, took out some cartoon flowers and with a sheepish smile, proceeded to distribute the flowers. shiyun was still in one of her moods because she was so affected by the results.

Mr Lim: One for you, one for you...(as he passed by my desk)

Me(with wide-eyed innocence): i also choir!

at that time, he does not know that i am a convincing actress when i want to be.

Mr Lim( hands one to me, looking unsure): errrr okay.

Nabilla aka the big mouth cousin: OI. Mr Lim, she's lying!

Mr Lim( stares at me, in mock anger): i knew that.

________________________________________________________

i was browsing through some of my pictures in my personal file when i came across a file i named as ' secondary school memories.' i have not opened that file for quite sometime already for fear of reigniting my memories of my school. not bitter ones, but definitely those memories which are worth thinking about and whose recollections never fail to make me wish fervently i can turn the minute hands of the clock back to yesteryear.

i still love my secondary school despite graduating almost two years ago. i am still loyal to the school and i still miss the old building whose paint is peeling off quite soon. in fact, the school's website is still my laptop's and my computer home page. it has been two years already, yet i cannot bring myself to change my homepage.

juying has taught me a lot. lessons of life, of gratification and of appreciation. even though i drag my feet to school on some mornings, i still look forward to school because of my dear, dear classmates and my teachers.

i remember with fondness, during recess where my clique will rush to the canteen as if we have never eaten before. i remember us eating in the canteen exchanging juicy gossips and also talking about anything and everything under the sun. i still remember us whining about the amount of homework that the teachers had asked us to complete by hook or by crook.

in class, my classmates had been delightfully treated with many of my dramatic antics. they had been sent to peals of laughter before, and also expressed shock at how drama mama i can actually get. i remember dreading Mr Lim's harsh barrage of words when we did not perform up to his expectations. i still remember Ms Wong's stern gaze as her firm gaze swept across the perimetres of the room , looking at us in the eye.

i also still remember how Mrs Teo will console us after we had been dealt a scolding from any teacher. such is her power in assuaging the guilt that we always feel.

photos are memories of the past which will never return. from time to time i do find myself looking at the pictures and and an arc never fail to form on my lips.

i love you people, still.

2009-06-21T19:01:00.002+08:00

i love you

Dear F,

when you told me what really happened to you yesterday night, i reread and reread your words many times to make sure i was not seeing things. after repeated attempts to assure myself that those were the words that i had just comprehended, the words swam from focus.

shock was replaced by anger directed at that person who was cruel enough to tear your shattered heart countless times. that person who managed to win his way back into the deep recesses of your heart, broke your trust in one spilt second. he whose words were sugarcoated with trust and promise, he who assured you that he was committed, and he from whose those blessed three words came from.

as angry and hurt as i am on your behalf, i know for a fact that your hurt is deeper than mine. even if i were to put into volumes and volumes of books, expressing my understanding of your hurt, it would have never been suffice to make up for what you really feel. the first cut is always the deepest.

i do not think you are daft for believing him. in fact i admire your courage in rekindling whatever friendship you have, because that will never be done by me. if i were in your shoes, i will cut off any ties i had. i am not as forgiving as you. by now, you know how strong-willed i am already. but you are not, F. you are one of the nicest person i have ever came across.

you are unassuming. that was my first description for you, and it shall remain as that. you do not judge people at first glance, like i do. you accept their flaws, for you believe that each has his or her own shortcomings, unlike me. you remind me time and again, to be a little more civil to people who i do not like. i have yet to come to that stage.

F, take heart in the fact that you always have me and your friends behind you. we will always throw our weight behind you, no matter what happen. every misstep you take shall be corrected by the rest of us. if you need my shoulder and my comfort, you know i am just a phonecall away.

F, i love you very very much. you are my bosom friend, forever and after.

2009-06-19T00:18:00.002+08:00

the uneasy tranquility after a prolonged storm

i know i have been behaving rather awkwardly for the past few months. i have been busy with school and with extreme changes that knocked on my door.

but with the love and concern of mama who was there for me each and everytime i underwent an emotional upheaval, i gradually saw the dim light at the end of the elongated tunnel.

i am thankful that the storm has passed by and i am no longer terrorised by it. with each obstable that happens, we humans emerge the stronger person. this is life. sometimes you ride the skies, sometimes you fall into a bottomless pit.

but when life is not rosy, it is up to us to decide whether we want the problems to conquer us or fight it. i have found my strength back.

friends, i thank you from the bottom of my heart. thank you for your concern and care even though i maintained my silence. thank you for always asking. and thank you for showing me that you care.

in times of turbulences, we can sieve out who is our bosom buddies and who are our fair weather friends. i know who is in which league now. :)

okay take care everybody.

2009-06-15T20:01:00.002+08:00

what will you do?

just recently, i watched a drama aired on a Malaysian channel late at night. the story was set in today's background; modern and affluent people, people buried in material abundance, and work increasingly becoming a vital facet of life.

the drama was about two people who hail from different cultural, historical and religious background, falling in love. the woman has three children and the man is single. other than the aforementioned differences, the one most important difference that stood out like a sore thumb, was their age.

as expected, the relationship did not culminate into a happy ending. in fact, the reason for the separation was not because of their incompatibility, but because of the unessential differences.

this drama stayed on my mind for a couple of days after that. it was more than food for thought, it was the director's subtle way of telling the viewers that even though the human race is modern now, we do not appreciate cross culture marriage.

i think that those who hold this view are narrow minded and that they are making their own judgement as to whether the marriage will or will not work out based on differences that are not worth mentioning at all in the first place. there is another angle on modernity other than the globalised world that we all live in. living in a dynamic world where the latest handphone model can be out of fashion in 2.5 seconds flat also means that we need to change our mindsets, our ways of life.

even if we marry a spouse who is so alike us, it does not mean that the marriage will last to eternal bliss. by the same token, cross cultural marriage has a lot of considerations that has to be accounted for before proceeding to the altar. but i have one question to ask; that is, if two people are happier together than apart, they are very much compatible and comfortable, then the issue of race, language and religion does not come into play at all.

people will always put their two cents in. whoever that we end up with always become a topic of discussion. i believe in the old adage of 'to each his own.' you are entitled to your own opinion, while i am to mine. at the end of the day, even if the whole world says no, it is still our own life you are talking about. the couple must have some zeal and confidence to work things out.

frankly, i do not understand why some people are so against cross cultural marriages. are we not humans? so, if we are of different faiths, we cannot marry? then who sets the standards as to whether we should or should not wed? do we have a unified system of rules that every couple must adhere to before saying i do?who are you to say i cannot marry?

i live my life by my own terms. i will certainly take into account the concerns my closed ones have, but i will factor in what i think first and weigh everything.

because, at the end of the day, it is still about My Life and I.

2009-06-15T01:06:00.003+08:00

a poem someone wrote just for me.

your image lingered in my mind,
not the vision,
dazzling, hungry eyes

but the essence played in my mind,
one who knows not how to be unkind,
whose words are music to many woes,
whose love knows no boundaries

an angel you are in my eyes,
who was sent for my comfort,
i thank God for your presence,
lighting my days, days of darkness

your silence speaks volumes,
the fear in your eyes palpable,
the quiver of your lips as i watched you silently

but your smile never leaves your face,
even when terror strikes, your smile stays,
your smile, your defence against the world,
hiding behind a myriad of masks, your true personality

i will never leave your side,
when the world leaves you, i'm always here
to take your delicate hands, to the path of normalcy
this i promise so to do

i love you dear friend,
forever and after

when i read this, i was shocked into silence. thank you person. thank you so so much.

and p.s this person is NOT my boyfriend or someone bordering close to that. think about it. if it was true, i would not have even thought of sharing this with you readers.

:)

2009-06-09T11:45:00.006+08:00

i love you, mama

yesterday, i think, was the happiest day of my life lately, because i met this woman whose picture you happen to be viewing right now.

gorgeous isn't she? thank you. i shall accept this compliment on her behalf simply because by her own admission, she is a very shy person.

anyway, we met at Jurong Point and after repeated attempts to convince her that walking around that insanely crowded shopping centre makes me want to hurl, she gave in to my whines and we left that place.

of course, as i was busy filling the atmosphere with my incessant chatter, i do not know where she drove but suddenly i found myself in the East side.

you see, talking makes me a little .............. absent-minded.

i will not bore you with the minute details of what we did together, but yesterday i was happy. i have not been this happy for a long time, longer than i could ever remember.

she is the one and only person who knows what is currently happening, so there was no need to indulge in any form of convincing acting that i was putting on thus far. it was definitely a huge relief off my shoulders.

and no, you did not read the title wrongly. i do not address her as Mentor now( come to think of it, i hate that name for goodness knows why), but i call her ... Mama. this title is not any attempt to lick her boots or get into her good books( i'm already in her very very very good book ), but i am close to her like how any teenage daughter would to her own mother.

so, i decided to be a little more filial and call her that. now, don't be jealous. she is still Ms Wong for you, but Mama for me only. ME only okay. i am not selfish but in this context, i do not LIKE TO SHARE. say anything you want, but it just so happens that this is how i am. :)

of course being the private person that i undoubtedly am, i shall not delineate any part of any conversation we had. but her one advice stood out.

'fathiah, sometimes you need to access the situation and see whether it calls for your brutal honesty or silence don't you think? you may think you are right, but nobody lives on your terms, not even your family members.'

normally, if anybody who is not close to me or who is not even remotely related to me said something to that effect, i can tell you, i will glare. i will dismiss your advice with a single wave of my hand and i will pretend to be selectively deaf. if you continue spewing your words of wisdom, i might just shut you up with my forthrightness which i am known for having.

but , as strong-willed as i am, i do listen to people. and she happens to be someone, whose advice i will always subscribe to, even if i do not agree. so yesterday, i decided to learn to be much more nicer to certain people who will never rank high on my list.

again, the people who i am referring to, shall remain a secret between me and her.

i always look forward to seeing her. even though i know she sometimes wish she has earplugs to block my noise off, i know she still loves me a lot.

now, mama don't deny. she who lives in denial has a sad life my dear.

I LOVE YOU.

2009-06-02T13:54:00.003+08:00

again and again

i have always told myself repeatedly that i have to be prepared for disappointment. even with those who are closest to me, i am always prepared for any big blow that they might deal me, so that i will not reel and crumble with shock.

but even this, i was not prepared for. maybe i was too naive to believe your words which were coated with trust and love. i was too naive to think that all this will blow over and we will emerge the stronger team.

of course, time and again, as i picked myself up to run the marathon, to forget about the bitterness, you proved me wrong. you lied to me, and showed me through your despicable acts, how malicious your intentions were.

maybe this is your way of satisfying your thirst for revenge. you wanted to hurt me, but your way was manifested by subtle means. you know subtlely is not my strong point, so you chose to step me in the back, by choosing to do it the silent way.

the first stab of betrayal is always painful. like a fish gasping for air on the land, that was exactly how i felt. helpless, miserable and without hope. as i tried to defend your acts, my efforts were futile. i could not, even when trying to think it in a more rational way, justify your actions.

you know, even if you had wanted to strip me of any amount of hope you promised, you could have just said so. you could have just said so, without doing this. why did you build up my hopes only to shatter it in the most brutal of ways?

you only realised i was on the land of the living when you needed help. what about all the times you didn't? was i dead then? why did it came to your conscience to consult me when life was not rosy on your side?

because you knew i will always assist you, didn't you? you knew my weakness, so you chose to cash on that. now i realised, that whatever people have said about you are all true.

you used me. you definitely did. because, when it comes to the time to make merry, you brushed every single thought of me from your evil mind.

just as i was trying to resurface from the cocoon i had carefully woven for myself, you had to deal me this huge blow.

thank you.

2009-05-28T17:46:00.002+08:00

enough is enough

the owner tried hard to fight her tears. she could not miss the familiar patronising stare that bore into her back. the owner averted her tired eyes from the sillhouete. she took a step to her right to avoid colliding with her predator.

the owner almost whipped out her line of communication from her possession. she needs to be assured that she will not be harmed. but today, everything has a vendetta against her. she could not do that. the owner wiped her tears from her eyes and took a few deep breaths.

the traumatising sillhouete seemed to be gone. but the owner saw it again. this time, looming up ahead. she didn't want to look there.

the owner has gave up. she has no strength to fight back. she has lost whatever remaining ounces of courage she had in her.

please, leave me alone, i beg of you, the owner heard her own desperate cry as it escaped from her body.

2009-05-27T22:00:00.002+08:00

history never fails to repeat itself

fear paralyses the owner's tracks. she squinted her eyes to get her vision right. the tormenting sillhouete was nowhere in sight. the owner heaved a huge sigh of relief. it was just a false alarm.

but the owner's senses got heightened when she felt the familiar breath on her neck. the hairs on her neck stood up. her breath came in short gasps. her eyes flew open. she mustered enough courage. the owner turned behind. there was no one in sight. could it be hallucination that the owner see?

...........................................................

the owner screamed and woke up. she was sweating profusely. blood pounded in her ears. the fan was not switched on, but still she felt so cold, so cold. she pulled her blanket tightly around her shivering body. she was dying for human's comfort. but she cannot do that. that will be bothering people. the owner hates that.

as the dark blue of the night made its way for dawn, the owner stared out of her window. she does not know why she is sinking into oblivion, despite her attempts to fight off her fear. her eyes can go blind from indulging in her tireless tears.

the owner tried to sleep, despite sobs shaking her body. she closed her eyes. the image of the traumatic sillhouete came to her vision. the owner was too tired, too exhuasted to fight her fear.

the owner wishes to end this all. she wish she can vanish from the face of the earth. then, her agony will cease to be.

2009-05-26T22:39:00.002+08:00

maybe, it's time to rise above

the owner reeled back from the shock of reading someone else's helplessness. the owner rubbed her weary eyes again. is this a nice dream, or is it reality that the owner see?

each word reeked of pure frustration and genuine love for the owner. as she read each word countless times, tears of gratification fell down her gaunt cheeks. the owner exhausted eyes scanned the words again.

it is a mystery to the owner. she had never realised what her silence is doing to other people. she has been mislead into thinking that her silence is best for all. never once had she contemplated others' feelings and difficulties as they watched her slowly sink into her own world.

the owner has never craved for attention. it is a significant trait of her; using her smile as her defence against the world. perhaps, the owner should change the way she deals with her situations now. clearly, it has been proven to be futile.

'someone saw through me,'says she. 'and i thought i was a good actress.' the owner again, stared out of the window, an act she has been indulging in for a long time now. the owner sighed. am i doing this for myself or for others? she wonders.

the owner stared at her own reflection. aghast at her own physicality, the owner gave a cry of shock. the owner dove under her covers. she trembled, all alone.

maybe, it is time for the owner to rise above. maybe, she should confide in the only person who she trusts her life with. that person has proven to be a gem of a person the owner does not want to lose to her silence. the owner loves that person a lot; more than she could ever imagine.

the owner sank on the floor. she reached for the phone.

and a favourite number was dialed.

2009-05-24T14:10:00.005+08:00

Favourite teacher's birthday Part 1.

when Mrs Teo, my then form teacher told us that she will be promoted to become the HOD of English, the whole of 4E1 cheered for her. but her promotion came with a price; she can no longer be our form teacher for our last year in Juying.

hearing that, i couldn't believe it because i had grown accustomed to her gentle ways in dealing with our eccentrics and her ultimate patience in trying to reason with us. she never raised her voice, was like a mother figure, always fussing over us and a teacher-friend to confide in. i just cannot replace her with another form teacher who i may not like at all.

___________________________________________________

4th January 2007

he walked in briskly, clutching a pile of papers and his teaching materials in his hands. his walk was brisk, no nonsense and he walked with a certain kind of firmness in his body language. he placed his things squarely on the table, turned to us, and with an intelligent smile, said ' good morning 4E1.'

i was seated next to my cousin and promptly stood up as he greeted us. this man was foreign to me. i did not know him from Mars. i have never talked to him, never shared any form of pleasantries with him, nor did i ever greet him if i passed him by in the hallways. it is not that i did not like him; but he had an air of no nonsense that no student will miss. i secretly wonder how will i ever survive in his class. suffice to say, I did not know Mr Lim Hock Beng at all.

he laid down his expectations for us, in O levels and also for Mathematics and A Maths. hearing his unusually high expectations, i was forced into silence. mathematics was never and will never be my strongest subject. in fact, i have a high tendency to flunk that subject. mr lim's expectations sounded so alien to a person who at that time was still oblivious to topics such as Circular Measure. my classmates were trying to get a treat out of him if we ever fulfill his dreams, but i was already thinking of what i will say since i was fully convinced i will never meet his expectations. the first day of school was not my best days.

throughout my school life, my mathematics teachers have always tried to ingrain in me that without a love for maths, i will never do well. i have to overcome my deficits without which i will never learn how to get around the complex equations. to me, that was a feat i can never master. i had a fear of numbers since i was 6 and telling me to get over it, was like telling me to jump down the tallest building in singapore.

i was fully convinced mr lim will do the same to me. he will force his idealogies down my unwilling throat and again, my dislike for maths will never be diminished.

but even though i scraped through his tests or did reasonably well, he never reproached me, nor did he ever single me out for a scolding session. he did not make me feel like as i was such a dunce in mathemetics like a certain teacher whose name i shall not mention, did. he encouraged me to correct my repetitive mistakes and explained to me kindly, concepts which my classmates had grasped a long time ago. when i used to ignore the red marks in any of my maths papers before this, i looked at his comments. the red marks were not of anger, but of concern that i had to correct the silly mistakes i used to make.

i am not a genius when it comes to numbers, but i love languages. i think the most beautiful facets of life is when i can express myself in words. he noticed my love for languages through the reflections i used to love writing. instead of telling me to transfer my love for languages into mathematics, he wrote positive comments on my journal. he told the class of my journals. proud i wasn't, but i was thankful that he did not choose to belittle my inability to do well in his subjects but he chose to praise me instead.

by then, he already ranked high on my list.

for prelim 1, i did not do well at all. i flunked his subjects really badly and he flew off the handle when he saw similar results for my other classmtes. when he told us to write reflections on that, i did a long one for mine. he could have singled me out and scolded me. but he didn't. instead, he chose to see that i have a flair for writing and did not chide me even in his comments in my journal.

he told me kindly that he was afraid for my mathematics grades which were spiralling downwards. he said ' fathiah, to do well, you don't need to love that subject. you just have to do it.'

it was as if his words had woke me up from my deep slumber. it was as if the sleeping giant had finally seen the light at the end of the tunnel. i have never thought of it that way. all along i was led into thinking that i will not do well in mathematics because of the belief my previous teachers had wrongly instilled in me. never once in my entire life, had a teacher bothered to tell me that; to inspire me to do well for mathematics.

the grade i got for O levels was not on par with my other classmates who got the higher end of the passing grades. but i was satisfied with mine, presumably because of difficulties i had faced during the paper.

even after i graduated from Juying, i have never forgotten him and the difference he made to my life. his gestures were little, but of great significance. he nags a lot, he scolds, he yells when provoked, but at the end of the day, he just wants us to do well. he has never imposed society's stereotypical type of thinking down any of his past and present students' throats. he believes in us, encourages us to do well then when we do, the approving smile is enough to make our whole week.

when i run into any difficulty, and when he is on cyber world or he is not that busy, i ask him for advice. my graduation from juying means that i am no longer under his charge. he could have ignored me. he is not obliged to answer me, both as a person and as a teacher. but he did. he patiently listened to what i have to say and told me what he thinks. that is why i am grateful he was my teacher back in secondary school.

this is what the teaching profession is all about. making lives, inspring the next generation. what the society thinks should not be a benchmark for all the advices a teacher gives. a teacher is like a student's answer to a secured future

even though i love to rib mr lim mercillessly i might add, and make him irritated on MSN, he still ranks high on my list. i gave him a nickname ' favourite teacher' on MSN. in the true Mr Lim style, he just smiled.

i wish we can do this every year. i wish we can celebrate his birthday and have a gathering on every 24th. seeing my classmates was the happiest moment that words cannot describe. we can joke, have no hard feelings and still be 4E1'07. i do not need to wear a caution belt when i am with them. i am myself, an act i have not been indulging in for a long time now.

4E1 loves you Mr Lim, errr, despite yesterday's saga.

LOL. pictures update soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-05-24T01:04:00.013+08:00

Favourite teacher birthday Bash 2009

over-dued post. (as typed from 24 May 2009)

i'm with my dearest Scandal now at my house and both of us are still euphoric at the perfect itinerary of today's events. because today, is our dearest and most favourite teacher's birthday bash which happened at Jurong Point.

so anyway, 20 of us, bless the actual 40 strong 4E1 students, turned up for the event at Fish and Co. we were excited at the prospect that we will see Mr Lim and that he will be 'pleasantly surprised'(read: embarrassed)

to cut an amazingly long story short because someone told me my blog entries induces a yawn, we ate and then the surprise started.

when i was talking to him, the waitresses approached our table with a cake. i saw them but i acted like as if it was the most normal thing to do to distract him from turning to his left. and, to not bore you to tears, i shall explain using pictures.

the one standing beside my handsome ft is actually the Fish and Co staff. let me fill you in. they approached the table the Star of the Day happened to be at, and they sang a birthday song. by then, he was the centre of attention of all the patrons of Fish and Co. Mr Lim, ever the shy one, was busy thanking the whole of 4E1 and the staff, thinking that we were so kind as to let him off and that was the most embarrassing thing we'll make him do. well, one of the staff who had a distinct Fillipino accent, took out a chair, put it in the middle of the walkway and asked him to stand up on the chair.

that was when my favourite teacher realised he was in trouble. he politely declined and make a 'no, no' sign to us. by then, i could already see the wheels of his brain turning, thinking how he was going to get his way out of this one. so we pestered him.

me: stand up lar!

4e1: yalor, stand up la!

mr lim: no, i will sit, but i won't stand. come on! it's Saturday Night!

me: also won't kill you lor.( makes unhappy face)

mr lim: I DONT WANT.

then, mr lim the innocent one again thought that that was the end of his five minutes of fame. my favourite teacher just cannot get it into his head that we are not as innocent as he is. one waitress asked him to hold three sparklers and play with it like a little kid. so he was supposed to act like a 3 year old little Lim Hock Beng when actually his actual age is like more than 12 times the number 3 .i can tell you, if the ground was large enough to swallow him up, he would willingly enter the ground, without any prompting. he accepted the sparklers with as much dignity that he could muster but i could hear his heart saying ' NEXT YEAR, I WON'T COME.'

then , we sang birthday song again. i really need to give credit to the Fish and Co. staff for their support. and mr lim you see ah, you see. he was smiling so sweetly like as if someone was giving a speech about him or serenading him at JP. i personally think that mr lim would have preferred it if we had serenaded him last night. now mr lim, dont get me wrong. javier and gang would love to do that but we were afraid that you would have sleepness nights because you were so touched at our gesture.

this was the best BEST part. the staff held the cake like about 1m far from his face and asked him to blow it! he went ' what?!' the whole class was laughing until our sides hurt. his face was so traumatised that it sent us to peals of laughter. then, he dramatically sighed and mustering whatever ounces of courage and dignity he had left after the saga, he took a deep breath, and BLEW.

but my favourite teacher is a delicate person and he was blowing with all his might in between his uncontrollable laughter. so, three of the fire from the candles didnt went off. he made his tramatised face again and leaned towards the pillar and blew again. he blew and blew and blew and because God pitied him, the light finally went off.

then he said ' err can i go down now?' with such a pitiful face then the staff nodded and he went down with a huge sigh of relief. my sides nearly spilt just by looking at his expression. mr lim ah, i dont think you got your dramatic genes from me. i think it is natural in you already kay. so stop blaming me for every drama action of yours.HMPH.

he showed us that face because, of the card. the TEDdy bear is an inside joke which i , due to my inexplicable mercy today, shall not reveal. i personally think that he has been subjected to excessive trauma yesterday, so i shall not say anything! actually to tell you the truth, i knew he was about to cry and bare his soul and tell each and everyone of us how much he loves us. but, he couldnt do that could he? but his heart was bleeding because he was trying so hard to control his emotions. i can safely vouch for mr lim's unconditional love for 4E1'07 because............. look at the shirt. look at the shirt he was wearing carefully. CAREFULLY. 'trust no one, except 4E1.' now i have a nagging suspicion that he will make a new shirt and the words will read ' love no one, except 4E1.' then he confirm will give us one.

this is the original cake that javier and gang bought for him. but elysia was staring at it in absolute horror when she saw the cake. i was just wondering whether that classified for a cake or not. but nevermind, no hard feelings. so javier went ' eh mr lim, take picture with my cake ley. i so xin ku and ti tie buy for you.' so mr lim dutifully took the cake and smiled. then he still can ask 'is this cake for me to bring home?' with his most innocent face. so i said ' no la, it's for the fish and co staff.'

more pictures when Ms Chen Yanwen Elysia sends me the long overdued photos.

2009-05-22T20:58:00.002+08:00

the mirror reflection

the reflection stares back. swollen eyes, pale skin and a tired expression greets the owner. the owner slapped her face hard, a few times, a few more times. then the owner gingerly stepped nearer towards the mirror.

the cheeks looked red from the slapping. the eyes are watery. the trapezoids are tight. the hair has lost its healthy sheen. but where is any sign of life? is it the way she is standing helpless before her reflection? is it because of her breathing that she is alive? or her heart beating as she fades into oblivion?

the owner wiped the fresh barrage of tears that threatened to spill over from her eyes. the eyes which no longer looked bright and knowing. the eyes which no longer hold the intelligent glint that it once had. the eyes now looked lifeless. tired from averting concerned gaze from everyone, the eyes now are downcast. it does not look straight but in all directions.

the owner's gaze travelled down her body. the slim, healthy body now looked too skinny. oodles of weight have been lost. the once slender arms are almost skin and bones. the ownder ran her hands over her arms. the scratch marks, are now scars.

the owner sighed. she does not know who she is, not anymore. she feels as if she does not own her being and her body anymore. she feels tired of her pretence. she wants to breakdown and cry. but she cannot. she will be attracting attention from loved ones if she does that. she does not covet attention. she wants to speak. she really wants to. but again, the words are stuck in her throat. all that comes out are whimpers.

the owner begs for her words to be given weight. the owner pleads exhaustion.

the owner tied her long, ebony hair into a ponytail. she has to revert back to her time honoured role of being a convincing actress. she has to. people fall for her pretence. the cheeky jokes, the mischievous glint.

she straightened her shirt. she smoothed her hair. she wiped her tears.

then she walks out of her room.

and the acting soon begun.

2009-05-21T22:27:00.002+08:00

parents- the unconditional love.

today i was feeling slightly under the weather. even though i was still the jovial and bubbly girl, my stomach was having its own physical disagreement with the unknowns inside it, translating into excruciating pain felt by the owner of the body ie, me.

it was just a normal stomach discomfort. but, my parents, as usual, reacted to it like as if i had just announced i am having contractions and am about to deliver a baby right smack in front of the school.

no, i did not take a half day, because i felt that it would be unwise to do that, judging from the fact that my workload for today is quite heavy.

but, as i was in the bus blissfully on the way home, my parents anxiety came into my mind. and as i am typing this, i am trying to cut down on the excessive dosage of words i am likely to deliver, because i have no suitable words.

i find it hard to do justice to parents; their unconditional love that they lavished on us. so difficult to do justice to them. so difficult for one to put concisely the importance of parents.

i will not publish chunks and chunks of words for you bored readers because you are asking me to produce volumes and volumes of texts to honour them.

i feel dwarfed in front of their presence sometimes, and the 'legacy' that they have bestowed upon me. without ever demanding for compensation, parents bring us up. they coped with constraints, and try as hard as they can to satisfy our material wants. they nag, incessantly sometimes, they raise their voices several octaves higher than the norm but still at the end of the day, they are still our parents.

they are our very own, who survived and struggled to cater to each of our whims and fancies.

is anybody wants me to describe my parents in 5 words, i shall give you only one :

mine.

2009-05-20T23:14:00.003+08:00

Happy Birthday/ A realization

happy birthday Mrs J. Teo! see you soon and i love you. :)

____________________________________________________

when people refer to me as being forthright, i concur with their statement because however bitter the facts are, that is reality. from young, i have been known for my sharp tongue and having my own brand of wit and humour as i take jibes at people who do not rank high on my list.

this continued even as i grow up. my frankness was an ostensible bane and boon for me, depending on what kind of people i deal with. people have been trying to knock into my thick skull the repercussions of being too frank. this, i do understand. but sometimes, it flies out of my brain, especially in situations where i feel i have been wronged.

contrary to popular opinion, i do try to keep silent and keep my opinions to myself. it worked for quite sometime and people were relieved, under the mistaken belief that their cynical comments drove me into a corner, then silence. it was not the case at all.

but all my good intention to be a young and refined lady backfired when something happened and i flew off the handle. words spewed out, bitter, hurtful, harsh and biting. it was all due to the oppression i subjected myself to, then the outcome was unfathomable. the person who unfortunately received all this blessings was dumbstruck as venomenous words after venomenous words came out of my mouth.

i did not try to keep silent after that.

but my character as a frank person has always been misconstrued as the fact that if there's anything wrong, i will shout from the rooftops, seeking attention, and asking for sympathy. that, is not true at all.

for those very privileged few, who really know me extremely well, they know this has never been the case. my bluntness or forthrightness has never been a tool for me to seek attention.

my public persona, is worlds apart from the person few deal with when i am maintaining my silence.

i hope this explains your curiosity.

2009-05-18T22:04:00.002+08:00

to wipe others tears, you have to wipe your own.

as the darkness closes in on me, suffocation is all that i feel. in a sea of people, isolation and alienation are my closest ally.

the terror is palpable. the scent of fear surrounds me. everywhere i go, it haunts me. it looms ahead, like the fearful shadows that trees cast on the ground. it knows no boundaries.

seemingly, fear has a life of its own. it rides on our weakness, and it triumphs. we humans, we let it triumph. we let it conquer our rationality, despite repeated attempts to let it subside.

as the blanket protect my body, i still feel the chill. the chill of terror. the terror that you are gaining on me. the knowledge that you can strike anytime. the thought that you are watching me.

many masks, i wear everyday. so people, not even closed ones, can have a whiff of reality. how helplesslessness, misery and terror has been a part of me since a very long time.

silence, my secret weapon. deflecting questions after questions with my brand of wit and humour. smiling through people's interrogation, yet remaining composed. a shrug of my shoulders, a smile on my face. cheerful, i am to many.

dignified silence. this, i have always maintained. tiresome though it may be, it has been my weapon since young. a web of protection i spun for myself, to retreat if provoked. the shell that protected me since long, is threatening to burst at the seams.

with secrets. with all the secrets that have been kept for fear of being a nuisance.

a bother and burden to closed ones, i shall not be. my silence is not a weakness, but a shield for those loved ones, whose tears i do not wish to see. their worry and fear that i do not deign to know. guilt pounding on their conscience is not what i desire. blaming was never my forte.

excluding people was never my intention. seeking attention was never on my agenda. hence, silence is my only escapism. to battle the waves of fear and paranoia that comes attacking at the most inconvenient of times.

a monster, you are to me. you haunt me, even in my sleep. your tormenting voice pounds on my ears. your villanious laughter reverbrates through the walls of my innocence. a loathsome creature, you definitely are.

each person has its own limits. mine has been tested too many times.

as the day wore into night, and we welcome a new day with open arms, i wonder at the incredulity of it all.

how much more of this before i really raise the white flag?

2009-05-17T21:08:00.001+08:00

why do people get married so early?

i just don't get it.

but i have a foolproof plan already. i told my mama that if i want to get married so early, she have every right to shoot me in the head or slap me.

HEHE.

___________________________________________

2009-05-17T10:29:00.009+08:00

Happy Birthday Darling!

Salina, i took these from your rotting old first blog.

*****

i remember a pact we made in 2004 that we would stick through thick and thin together and still remain as steadfast and loyal friends. despite any arguments that may brew between the four of us, we will still be SINS(Salina, Syafiqah, Illa, Najwa) Junioritaz. this term was coined by you and Syafiqah during class and the both of you were almost dizzy with euphoria as you told Nabilla and i during recess. both of us were bewildered by such a unique name but we went along with it anyway.

then, the four of us walked through the passage of time. the years seemed to flew by. we seemed to be walking breezily through each year, yet remaining the same. we argued, fought and there were numerous times of cold war, but we made up in the end and our friendship grew stronger because a better understanding was fostered and the affection for the other grew.

but what the four of us did not know, was that this friendship was going to be tested. it will be forced to go through torrents of verbal abuse and periods of extreme altercation.

and this had to happen in our final year, that too, towards the end.

i still remember vividly why and how it happened. i still remember feeling as if the wind had been sucked out of me as the four of us grew so apart and emotionally estrangedf from each other. we were like strangers. we passed each other in the hallways with just a nod of acknowledgement or just a watery smile. there was no sense of familiarity, but all there ever was, was a tense situation. if anybody put the four of us in a room, the tension would be so palpable that it would make anybody squirm.

with the culmination of the examinations, our friendship went up in smoke. it was like lighting a cigarrette and seeing the ambers smoulder away into withering ash. we did not maintain any form of friendly contact between the four of us; even if there was, it always received a cold response.

we went about in our lives. three of you with work, while i was wiling my time away at home then helping out at Juying.

the release of the results, although it freed me from terror and worry, it also 'freed'us from each other. there was an unspoken understanding that this is the end. there was absolutely no way that the four of us could return to normalcy because there was too much hurt, bitterness and hostility towards one another.

whenever i look back and i think about it, i realised one of the prime reasons we never resolved the issue was because of my warped sense of logic and our ego which had a life of its own and which destroyed whatever remnants of friendship that could have been salvaged. each was waiting for the other to make the first move but on our own, reluctant to be the one.

i've always been candid about my mistakes. i have never once defended myself in front of those who knew what went wrong because i did not see it as appropriate.

i admitted my folly and the price was a heavy one; a friendship that couldn't stay afloat and sunk under.

fast forward to today, things got a lot better. my cousin and i made up in the end, and i love her more than ever before because we can not meet up for months on end. the distance made us treasure eah other more and i cherish the extremely rare outings that i get to see her or talk to her.

i miss you alot, Salina. i miss your jokes that can cheer me up anytime when i was down. i miss your rare and logical conclusion if i told you of my problems. i miss you acting like a mad girl during CCA. i miss your moody days. i miss your hugs when i needed them the most. i miss your happy go lucky ways because i am the exact opposite of you. i miss your madness. i miss seeing you sitting at the front in the parade square trying your absolute best to look attentive when P was talking. i miss arguing with you. i miss you lamenting why i am so clueless to technology. most importantly, i miss your presence. i miss seeing you every single day.

i am so glad and thankful that you and i finally cleared up any misunderstanding we had since 2007. i am grateful that you overlooked my greatest faults and errors and you gave me your forgiveness and understanding. i am happy, that the dark period is over and even though SINS dispersed, i still have you and my cousin.

though we rarely meet up, and we rarely talk because of my always demanding schedules, i still love you. even though i do not remember any occasion where we meet up, i still love you. because you are one of my most trusted and bosom friends and you accepted me for the real person and not for the person whom you want me to be.

happy birthday, darling. may this year be a fruitful one for you and may you get anything that you want. and i know i have said this for the nth time, but we will meet up soon.

last but not least, remember this,

wherever i may be, however busy i may get, i am always here for you, and silently rooting. this is my promise.

2009-05-14T20:36:00.002+08:00

The good story- that never was

i am blogging with a vengeance; that is to clear a misunderstanding that was put forth by me a few entries prior to this.

now, don't get me wrong. my contemplation should not be a cause for worry for those of you who had a slight altercation with me. nothing of the sort had taken place. it is just that indignance had taken over me over an issue which is so trivial that you may start to wonder if i have just lost my marbles.

no, i have not, but thank you for your overwhelming concern.

if you had even bothered to skim through my entry about teachers then you must have thought that i was an ardent fan of that show which seemed to depict a real life potrayal of the teaching profession.

if you were to ask me now whether or not i still do, then my answer to you is that i haven't had the faintest idea why i was waxing lyrical about that show because now, i don't like the plot.

no offence to true blue fans of that drama series but one thing i do not agree with, strongly too i might add, is that the teachers quitted school just because of disillusionment and because of a perceived failure to nurture and sculpture young minds.

if all teachers did that, then the education fraternity will face a huge problem of a dearth of dedicated and sincere teachers.

in real life, that does not happen at all. it doesn't take an Einstein to know that all professions will have some difficulty at some point or other and the right way is to accept it, try to reform our ideas and our ways, move forth and improve.

in the same regard, a teacher should all the more exhibit such positivism because of their nature of job that is, to continue the human civilisation that will be led by young and promising generation.

but all this show does? is to quit when the going gets tough and then set up a booming tuition centre.

i know that the story potrayed on celluloid does not have to be taken seriously at all but really, aren't you undermining the true profession of a teacher?

i am feeling indignant on behalf of the teachers that i am extremely close to because they are not like that at all. this, i can safely vouch for without even a hint of prejudice.

because their atttitude, their perseverance is then the true profession of a teacher.

2009-05-12T20:39:00.003+08:00

i love my mummy.

thank you for everything mummy. thank you for showing me that you care about me. thank you for showing me that you love me. thank you for your permanent concern and presence.

thank you for everything.

i love you, too.

2009-05-11T21:08:00.002+08:00

let's stop it right here

i have no intention to use this blog as a means to spite you because i am a firm believer that my equations with certain people shall only be made known between my closest group of friends. strained relationships should not be talked about on blogosphere even if it was crafted out of pique.

but i don't want to talk to you, not in the previous state of mind. confusion, incredulity, skeptism all rolled into one, making me an unstable person these past few days. but as i am typing this, i am rational now. my mind is clear, my thoughts are straightened out and this is why this post came about.

i am no longer angry at you. perhaps hearing this is a shock judging from my silence all this while. but after talking to mummy, i realised she was right.

all along she was. just that it takes a long time for these facts of life to seep into my brain.

i accept your apology with much sincerity. i thank your efforts in trying to make me speak. i respect your courage in dealing with my dignified silence, even when i knew your courage was failing you.

but as i've said before, spoken words have the evil nature of not being able to be retracted once they are out in the open. a million apologies will never be able to make up for the hurt i felt when you disregarded my feelings and my dignity when you said those words.

your cynical comments crossed the line of respectability and dignity of humanity. i am human too, i am affected.

but being affected and hurt does not change the fact that you've said it and there's absolutely no way we can go back to normalcy. i cannot face you like how i used to before this happened. it's not about having no courage but because seeing you ignites all the hurt i was trying to forget all the time.

i have enough of this, really. as hurt as i am, i am not heartless to put here what i have been going through all along. i'm not a saint; but i do care about your feelings.

i do care about this friendship but there's nothing to salvage now. i do not see how i am to joke and laugh with you after all that saga.

i wish you all the best in your life and may you be happy always. i don't hate you, neither do i have any insatiable desire for revenge. and no, i do not wish that bad things will befall you, but just that as a person, i have enough of this.

maybe i sound harsh. but there's no way i can forget about this.

i'm sorry.

2009-05-11T10:27:00.002+08:00

Who should i be?

it's been like this for a long time. i have not been able to sleep properly; much less think rationally.

what i would not give to speak my mind. what i would not give to stop covering up, and stop hiding my misery behind my facade of a smile and casual shrug of my shoulders.

the many masks i wear each day,
to keep my insecurities at bay,
keeping people at a distance,
for fear of being a nuisance

a bubbly person i am to many,
always smiling, always cheerful,
but what is hidden behind that facade,
is someone who is gradually fading away

tight lipped i have always remained,
deflecting questions with confusion,
silence, my prized posession

the fear is real,
the depression is real,
or perhaps....
it was just a figment of my imagination

was it?

2009-05-10T00:35:00.002+08:00

Happy Mother's Day

I think, i shall refrain from typing large chunks of words to express my love for my mama and my mummy because you are asking me to type large volumes of texts which would take a century to complete.

and if i were able to put it into words, then it means that their affection for me can just be expressed into words, and left it at that. no siree, that is not true at all.

i am thankful to God, for giving me two wonderful women in my life who have lavished upon me unconditional love; especially to the one who is not my biological mother.

to end this post, i shall do it on a poetic note.

On mother's day, i have written a poem for you,
in the interest of my love and endearment for you,
you are my mother and i would not have any other,
i love you both, forever and after

2009-05-09T20:30:00.002+08:00

Thank you

They say, spoken words have the evil nature of not being able to be retracted. How true it is for me now.

i find it hard to believe that someone can hurt me this much. i mean, really. i used to think i'm strong enough to weather everything.

but you penetrated the protective shell i've carefully woven to protect myself and the result is something i didn't think was possible.

how is it possible? i have no answers to that, just dignified silence.

a silence, which is slowly eating me inside.
a silence, which has always been used against me right from the start.
a silence, which has always been misconstrued as my weakness

finally, a silence which kills.

2009-05-08T19:12:00.002+08:00

My father bought a new computer, and i'm enjoying it!

Okay,so you read my blog title. and yes, my father bought a new computer!

well, the previous Acer one kept dying on us because of some complex technological reasons which i shall not bother to even understand because, these kind of explanations are really beyond me.

so i shall recline in my new virtual world and continue to explore the wonders of technology(bearing in mind of course that i do not do something to trigger a panic computer heart attack) because as i see it, there are many functions in the computer which i don't even know exist in any computers.

talk about being backward.

and by the time you're reading this, i am falling in love with my computer all over again.

ah, the spell of being drama mama.

2009-05-06T21:45:00.004+08:00

' Teaching is the profession that teachers all other professions.'

As i am typing this, i am watching a television show about teachers on Channel 8. I think the director should receive high accolades on directing this story, because it depicts school life from the teacher's point of view.

Often, we watch films, and drama serials as told by students. We sympathise with their struggles, we cry with them when they were stuck in a rut, we feel happy when they accomplished a feat and we grit our teeth when they are reprimanded by their teachers, because each of us was thinking of our respective situations where a teacher's voice rose several octaves higher when addressing us.

but, never have we ever put ourselves in a teacher's shoes. we put every blame imaginable on their shoulders, which sometimes looked hunched under their new load of work and sorrows. every slight improvement we make in the academia was our fruits of labour but any red marks in our report cards are attributed to the teachers. it is their fault for not teaching well. it is their fault for not explaining well. it is their fault for not giving us enough assignments. it is their fault for setting questions which we have never seen before.

their fault, their fault, their fault.

as a typical singaporean student would say

1. 'all your fault la! never teach well. also don't know what you talking in class!'

2. 'eh you got do the maths homework? wah sey, i catch no ball you know.'

3. 'today that teacher got come or not ah? never ah? wah best. i can play dota.'

4. 'why he keep scolding one. also dont know why he so angry. he pms ah? eh i thought only women got pms? men got meh?'

5. 'hmm, i THINK ah, he/she fight with his/her girlfriend/boyfriend so today come in not happy lor.'

6. 'my hair is short what! ask me to cut cut cut. you go cut yourself la.'

7. 'eh today let's ask him to postpone test. i also never study. i read the cover page only.'

sounds familiar? i bet it does ring a bell and hit a raw nerve or two.

a teacher has remarkable resillience and indefatigability in his line of work. he is rarely submissive to his student's demanding and insensible wants. he pushes, he inspires and he loves. he nags, he scolds, but at the end of the day when we do something to make him feel proud, that approving smile is enough to make our week.

that is how God created this profession. i think it's remarkable. in fact, i respect the teaching profession because not all can do it. give a common man a saucepan and a ladle and he can whip up some decent food for consumption. but give a common man a stack of books, guidelines to follow and 40-odd students to teach and each with differing personalities to sculpt and develop, chances are he'll just go weak in the knees.

this show made me think. i do not watch shows that do not give me food for thought and which have intimate scences for tiltilation. when i watch, i think.

one of the teachers in the show was so demoralised after being maligned that he is not giving his best in his craft. no longer does he look forward to imparting his knowledge, rather he dreads work. teaching needs passion. he lost his passion, he lost his goal in life.

i am not in a position to criticize his move, because for one, i am not in this craft and second, i think a normal person would do that also.

when a teacher waves the white flag, we know he is in despair. he has tried out all ways to help us to improve, yet his efforts are met with lukewarm response. he calls us out for consultations but we give all reasons not to attend. when he scolds, we curse him. if he walks into class with a stiff back, we know we are in trouble. when he teach, we think of that boy or girl who is handsome in looks. when asked to lengthen our skirts, the teacher gets all sorts of beautiful four letter words. a teacher who cuts our hair because we are repeat offenders are put on par with actual criminals.

but when he cracks jokes, we wonder whether we are in a parallel universe or whether we are in dreamworld.

yet amazingly, we clamour for his attention. we pretend we do not care about his words, yet deep down we are affected by it. if he is so tired that he sheds a few tears, we wonder whether we got sucked in a moral vacuum such that we forgot to be human. though we grumble a lot, one compliment from him inspires us to do more. even though we are suprised he knows what are jokes, we gradually adhere ourselves to him, now that we know he isn't such a monster that we make him out to be. and when he says ' excellent,' we could have kissed the floor.

such is the excellence of the teaching profession.

2009-05-04T19:50:00.002+08:00

WHY?

congratulations. you've successfully conquered my whole being, so much so, that i don't even know who i am now.

2009-05-03T21:23:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, i think i'm so lucky

Because, i have a wonderful 'mummy.'
Because, she listens to me and doesn't interrupt.
Because, i have everything a teenager would want and i have more.

I have wonderful friends, a supportive family, my mummy, and my favourite teacher who, despite all my whines and my complains are still there for me, regardless.

They watch my back and that's why, even though i'm not the richest girl in the whole wide world, i feel rich.

Today, my mummy's quite a sad girl but i'm always there to cheer her up yay! and well, today's not my best day either.

all in all, I LOVE MY MUMMY A WHOLE LOT.

ps: mother's day coming! i got something for my fabulous and gorgeous mummy. i hope she likes itttttttttttttt.

ps 1: the mummy here, is not my biological mother. if i love you enough, i may tell you who this person is. :)

Okay bye bye world, i want to watch tv, which is airing one of my must-watch-shows-if-not-can-die type of shows.

YAY BYE BYE WORLD!

But tell me, why in heaven's name would God mar my perfect happy graph and come up with you, an outlier?

2009-05-02T10:53:00.006+08:00

A conclusion

Yesterday, my family and i headed to the beach at East Coast. true, this was our second time in two consecutive weeks going to the beach, but the combination of blue sea and the vast landscape of blue water really is a breather away from city life.

we left the place at around a quarter to 8 and went to Bukit Batok's NTUC because my mother and my sister wanted to do some enriching grocery shopping there. my brother and i groaned inwardly because when these two women goes shopping, chances are we'll be stuck at the place till we get shooed by the security guard.

okay, so i was totally exaggerating, but well, you get my drift.

now, it's not that i have anything against shopping, i mean i am all for hogging the entire mall, but thing is, grocery shopping isn't my thing. so while they were busy choosing the most freshest vegetable, i politely excused myself, and wandered around.

in case i have never told you readers, i used to live at Bukit Batok.

walking around the whole stretch of shops was like walking with the ghosts and memories of my past all over again. maybe the outlook of the shops has changed, now with the new vendors and all, but the essence was still there.

most of the structures were intact. in fact, some of the vendors were still there. and the best part about this whole trip? was that some of the oldest vendors could place my facial features, but they couldn't put their fingers as to why i looked familiar.

i went to my kindergarten. with a slow breeze blowing the trees in the wind, and them casting fearful shadows on the ground, it was like as if i had come to a strange place in my dream.

there, the whole building looked untouched, as if i had never left the place. the doors were still in a brilliant shade of pink and the playground still looked as inviting as before.

i missed my childhood. really, i do. but i guess, everyone does. back then, things were simpler, with lesser complications and lesser equations to work out.

anyway, we got home around half past 10 and.....

an hour and a half later, i was on the phone with my Mentor!

yay. i mean really. YAY. i miss her a lot, considering the fact that for some reasons i shall not divulge, she is online a lot lesser.

which directly means, that i do not have the luxury of buzzing her anytime i want. now aren't you extremely jealous of me that i can buzz her anytime i want?

i guess you are. LOL.

so anyway,she, as usual, was comforting me about something. as i said before, the content is too confidential for me to be writing it out on my blog. so, it shall be between me and her only.

she made me laugh- a genuine one, an act that i have not been indulging in since quite sometime ago.

ANYWAY, TO END THIS ON A HIGH NOTE,

I AM GOING OUT WITH HER TOMORROW, YAY YAY YAY

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

CAN'T WAIT!

I APOLOGISE SINCERELY FOR THE CAPITAL LETTERS. JUST THAT, I'M TOO EXCITED FOR TOMORROW.

2009-05-01T13:19:00.002+08:00

Fear

I have nightmares about it. Amongst all those incidents that have been happening to me, this is one of the worst, if not the worst.

fear grips my heart, paralyses my movements and stumps my reflexes when I was supposed to act fast. But i didn't, because it caught me offguard.

really now. when will your shadow leave me, such that i am not this terrified of you? i dread places now. i dread your gender, the most.

what did i not do, to save myself and my sanity? i did everything. but still, you did not give up. your taunting laughter haunts me and nags on the edges of my sleep.

if ever, what i fear the most happens to me, i don't know what to do. you won't feel the brunt, i will. whatever happens, i am always at the losing end.

god, when will this fear ever be diminished?

*ps: friends, please don't bury me with your questions. i will only confide in one person, and one person only.

2009-04-29T22:24:00.004+08:00

Secrets

This post is dedicated to someone, who is very important in my life. The reason why I am suddenly feeling sentimential is because of certain plaguing and mind boggling incidents that has been happening in my life recently.

But one person, picked me up when I felt like going under. And for this, I am extremely grateful to her, for always throwing her weight behind my back. This post pales in comparison for what she did for me and I feel like as if I am undermining her, by summarising her unselfish acts for me in just one blog post, but I would like to share with you readers about this person.

Oh yes, her identity shall be kept a secret, because I am certainly not in the mood to deflect any questions.

To this person:

I am silent today. Sometimes, the enormity of a situation stifles one into silence. Sometimes a moment numbs one into silence. I am silent today. I am silent, in gratification. In thankfulness, and in affection and love.

Never once did you ever express tiredness or irritation for all the times I went crying to you. Never once did you disapprove of my stand and belief. Never once did you leave me to fend for myself, especially in the most trying of times.

For this, I am extremely grateful to you. In fact, no words would be suffice to express how much you mean to me but because of my limited vocabulary, I shall just use the word ' grateful.'

You lauded my smallest gains. You overlooked my errors. You sang when I did, you cried when I did, you laughed when I did. You bore my emotional baggage and the fear of someone's shadow and you embraced my terror even though not physically. I may have slipped and faltered often. But you did not. You picked me up when I fell.

You encouraged me, you gave me a reason to continue in my fighting spirit and you gave my existence some importance. You chided me when I was wrong, you smiled when I did something right, and you also gave me a reason for your reproach.

You followed me, in each and everyday of my life, my disappointments, my struggles and my happiness. Even when I raised piquant questions you did not give me unsatisfactory answers.

I thank whatever unknown force that made us cross our paths.

No matter what happens to me in the future, a major consolation to me, is that I always have you in my life. That's what many do not have. Your presence and your comfort and I get all of those.

To you, I dedicate this entry. Without you, I may have lost my footing, slipped and fell into a bottomless pit where darkness looms ahead.

2009-04-28T21:18:00.001+08:00

When?

when, will your shadow ever leave me?

________________________________

2009-04-28T18:21:00.004+08:00

some things are best left unsaid

i learnt as i grow up, that some mysteries in life will not and shall not provided with answers. sometimes it is due to the sensitivity of the issue, otherwise, it is because providing an answer is not second nature to everyone whom the question is directed to.

a child may be forgiven for her sensitivity or lack thereof, but an adult will not. many of the slips and unintentional words spewed by an adult stays as a bad impression and he will be classified as not having a good upbringing, or that he needs to beef up his emotional quotient.

maybe, that's what most people are nowadays. asking impertinent questions, for the sake of their curiosity to be satisfied and not because of genuine concern for the person. flooding another person with their avalanche of questions to provide fodder for gossip, so that the person in discussion's worth in your eyes stoops down so low, that you lose all your respect.

i shall be more discreet as i always am when i talk about other people. hence with that in mind, i shall refer to this person as 'he' for simplicity's sake.

i do not mind if the questions were asked because of genuine concern, but i will be furious if your questions were asked so that you can rip him off from any self respect that a normal person should be accorded.

i hate it when you say anything against him. i extremely detest it when your conclusion bordered on assumptions just because he did not answer your questions with the same amount of truth had that question be asked by myself or any other people within his social circle.

why does his personal equation with anyone trigger such discussions? i just don't understand this.

this is something, all of us are entitled to. this, is called privacy. if he deems it unneccassary to share certain aspects of his life, then please respect his decision.

i can assure you he does not make brash decisions especially in matters like this. he is bestowed with practicality so, your 'genuine' concern is sometimes not needed.

no, i am not angry. i am just tired, hearing all these cynical remarks being passed over my head.

2009-04-27T19:49:00.005+08:00

Sometimes, honesty mayn't be the best policy.

When i was a child, i used to subscribe to the view that everybody is entitled to know the truth, regardless of how severe the situation is, or how hurtful knowing the truth will be. i just thought that not knowing the truth, that someone had lied to me, will be even more hurtful and it is this emotion that i would like to stay away from.

at the tender age of 5, i was known for my acrid tongue and my brutal honesty. my remarks, even at that age where many children would be oblivious to many things in life, were classified as being biting, harsh and caustic. when my contemporaries did something that i did not like, many were at the receiving end of my remarks which often, hit the nail right on the head.

it is this trait of mine, that led some to believe that i had no regard for people's feelings when i passed some remarks.

suffice to say, that a sensitive person may not associate me with refinement of reasoning.

my kindergarten teacher who treated me like her own daughter, used to tell me in gentle tones that i would soon discover how being honest is not always the best policy. she said as i grow up, and be exposed to different life experiences, i will learn to weigh the situation, whether it called for my honesty, or whether, it is best if i keep my opinion to myself.

if i meet her someday, i will tell her that even in 13 years i have failed to master such an important skill.

my intention in being honest was never to hurt people or make them feel belittled. it was never my intention when my words were crafted. but i guess, the words descended like hot coal on some people's ears.

my close friends and my Mentor have always told me to tamper my words with subtlely and that not everyone appreciates a reality check. some people are not armed with a positive attitude to accept comments. this, according to them, is something i have to understand.

i do. i am not daft. but i sometimes think that some people do need a knock to reality. i am blunt and heartless that way.

My Mentor once shook her head in disbelief and sighed in resignation when i told her about somethings concerning my life. This i shall not divulge because of the confidentiality of the issues.

some of my comments are kept within myself because they are laced with sarcasm and loatheness towards the people my anger is directed to. it takes a Herculean task for me to keep my comments to myself simply because i am a firm believer that one should know the truth, and the truth only.

ironically, sometimes i shudder to think that i am about to face factuality.

many have told me that i need to learn to be more mild in terms of expressing my dissatisfaction and that men will run 50 miles away if they know that this is the person they will have to face when an argument brews. this is the person who will spew hot lava onto their heads when she is furious.

and this, is the same person they call as ' girlfriend.'

i think, that just because i have to factor in the delicateness and sacredness of a relationship doesn't mean i have to swallow all the injustice they visited upon me. though i am a woman, someone who is perceived to be the more rational one, i am a person too. i have my own feelings and my own views and it is these views i will uphold if some acts crosses the line of dignity and respectability.

that's me. take it or leave it.

however, i am aware that i need to learn to be a bit more nicer with my words or i would be the number 1 in people's Hate List.

or maybe, in some people's list, i already am running with the baton in first place.

oh well.

2009-04-26T21:13:00.002+08:00

As the breeze blew....

Yesterday, I was at East Coast Park with my family. It was definitely a breather from all the issues that I have been facing recently.

Our beach isn't exactly bestowed with an excellent and breathtaking view, but to me, looking at the endless vista of blue sea is suffice to sooth my lungs and clear my mind which has been filled with many thoughts of late.

I looked at the people who were in close vicinity as I, as I munched on my burger. Clearly, everyone was having a ball of a time,spending quality time with family, with spouses and with loved ones.

Happy, they were happy.

I asked myself this, am I happy? I don't know any exact words to describe happiness, nor do I know how to explain any exuberance.

But put it this way. I don't think I am genuinely happy. Because if I were, I would have nodded and affirmed my own question.

Sigh, so many issues for me to dwell on.
So many things for me to solve.
But, so little time. So, so little time.

2009-04-21T23:56:00.002+08:00

Seldom do I reveal

Sometimes I wish I can be like my fellow contemporaries who use their sites as an avenue to offload their thoughts especially those which are less pleasant.

But a big part of me is still private and this privacy, I guard with my life. I can never come to terms with someone who can rattle off about the incidences that are happening in my life.

Many a time, I find myself staring at the computer screen debating within myself whether I should stop this game of covering up, going round and round in circles when I blog simply because it takes a Herculean task for me to find words to replace the actual ones when all I want to do, is to say what I really, really feel.

Sigh, when I reach that stage it will be when I am old and greying and have even forgotten my password.

2009-04-20T19:33:00.002+08:00

They say.....

Betrayal and intrigue has been laced with deceit and untimed temperament all these years. Using your conviction as a conniving and convincing actress has always been your forte. The fear that we will lose you, that you will get sucked into the vortex of no return explained why we tolerated your behaviour, even when all I wanted to do was to pour a bucket of cold water on your head.

I am certainly not rejoicing over your current predicament. But truth be told, if I really have my way, I would have ascertained that this is your just deserts for what you did to me.

They say, what goes around comes around. I wasn't a big fan of such adage. But time and again, it proved me right. And this, further strengthened my belief.

Whatever you did to me all those times is being done to you by none other than someone who you never expected to levy such treatment on you.

How does it feel?

Believe me when I say that the intention when this entry was crafted was not to make a mockery out of you. But well, I guess what you do catches up on you.

For you, it took two decades.

Two, long decades.

2009-04-19T18:35:00.008+08:00

Don't you think?/ Happy Birthday Auntie! :)

I reflect a lot when I watch television shows. I think there is a clear message that the director and scriptwriter want to put across, but the message is laced with how the actors essay the role. A skillfull actor would be able to show what the message is, without actually having to put it in words. This, is an example of the brevity of words.

It is an onerus task when viewers are expected to reflect after watching the shows, because we will always get carried away by the storyline, such that we watch it passively. The main reason why I am an ardent follower of good television shows, is because they make me think.

Other than of course, salivating over the actors' good physique and devastating handsome looks.

The reason for this entry is because just now, I watched a Chinese show on Channel 8 at 4.30pm. If there are those who came late, I am a huge fan of Chinese drama serials but I definitely don't watch Malay shows. I shall be magnanimous and will not say why I do not watch Suria, for the sake of their reputation being tarnished.

Anyway, the show that I watched, La Femme is a show about women at different stages of their lives. One is a career minded woman, the other a satisfied and contented homemaker and the other, a woman who do not want to walk down the aisle despite having a devoted boyfriend.

I identify most with the one who refuses to get attached, no, not because I have a devoted boyfriend, but because I share her sentiments. Many of the reasons that she gave as to why she don't want to be bounded by matrimony are my reasons as well.

So, when my sister and my mother scoffed at her seemingly selfish remarks, I was silently cheering. The reason why I didn't air my views?

Is because the moment I open my mouth about my reservations about marriage, I will get one who purses her lips and the other who says ' you won't know dear, you are not in love-yet.'

Then the whole debate will ensue, with my father ending the topic of rigourous discussion saying ' let's see how you are 3 years later.'

It is this type of shows which I covet, because they bring me down to reality. Not that my head was in the clouds, but they really make me realise a lot of things.

The living proof of the goodwill of such shows, is of course this entry which you happen to be skimming now.

Dearest Aunt( the one in orange blouse),

Happy Birthday 44th birthday! Hope you enjoy the surprise dinner Kaklong have specially in store for you. One day I'll go sleep at your house kay?

Beautiful cousin, if you are reading this, just don't snort. I will sleep, I will.

I WILL.

Okay Aunt, happy birthday, I love you.

2009-04-18T16:43:00.002+08:00

Sometimes....

I like the brevity of words. How few words are concise enough to put certain meanings across. It allows some space for thoughts, for rumination to take place, and then to move forth from that point in time, to correct mistakes, to make adjustments.

But, there are some who takes words as they are, past caring about the enormity of the situation. This they do, under all circumstances.

I feel like taking off to any mountains, to find a suitably quiet cave unfettered by wordly cares to watch the sillhouetes casting fearful shadows on the ground, forgetting about my wordly problems which feel like a ton on my shoulders. Such yearnings of renunciation is not an exception of me, because many of us admittedly fantasize about such thoughts.

But how many can actually carry it out?

Beats me.

I wonder sometimes why I go a little bit too far in reverie. But this again, is me. Thinking, dwelling, and mulling over life. Waxing lyrical about life, postulating the future, looking to the future through the lens of the present.

...........................................................................

You, you took my silence for granted. Just because I uttered not a word, you take it to seem that I didn't mind all along what you did. I do, just that I didn't deem it fit to say anything.

I have never asked you for any explanation, because I am of the belief that if a person wants to explain himself, then he will and if he doesn't, then he doesn't intend to.

It is based on this, that there were many occasions that I was dying to say something, but this held me back.

Now you know why silence is my weapon.

Now you know dear, now you know.

2009-04-16T11:09:00.007+08:00

No, I'm not getting married

But, I do love this lyrics! It greatly encompassess all the romantic notions of marriage that I was deluded just for that moment. Just for that moment, please. Because after that, I was brought down to Planet Earth.

When I discovered the song a few weeks ago,( I rarely discover Hollywood songs; most of the singers are people I don't even know exist or are popular throughout the world) I excitedly told my Mentor who politely explained to me, that this is a song people play during weddings. OOPS. So, I told her no, I'm not walking down the aisle and no, I'm not entertaining any thoughts of doing so anytime soon.

Hmm, but come to think of it, if a man who is deluded enough to want to marry me sings that song to me, WHOA. Really. WHOA. My eyes will turn moist i think. I THINK.

Anyway, enough of my nonsense okay? I will let you read the lyrics and then you will know why I was bowled over by it.

FROM THIS MOMENT ON BY SHANIA TWAIN

I do swear that I'll always be there.
I'd give anything and everything and I will always care.
Through weakness and strength, happiness and sorrow,for better for worse, I will love you withevery beat of my heart.)
From this moment life has begun
From this moment you are the one
Right beside you is where I belong
From this moment on
From this moment I have been blessed
I live only for your happiness
And for your love I'd give my last breath
From this moment on
I give my hand to you with all my heart
Can't wait to live my life with you, can't wait to start
You and I will never be apart
My dreams came true because of you
From this moment as long as I liveI will love you,
I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this moment on
You're the reason I believe in love
And you're the answer to my prayers from up above
All we need is just the two of us
My dreams came true because of you
From this moment as long as I live
I will love you, I promise you this
There is nothing I wouldn't give
From this momentI will love you as long as I live
From this moment on

This is the video from Youtube!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mgAfqpGHh4

2009-04-13T18:57:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, i think i'm spoilt.

If you have been an ardent follower of my blog, then you must have remembered a particular entry of mine where I complained about two whiny, bratty children who deserve one tight slap across their insolent faces.

But, as I pondered over the meaning of 'spoilt,' I realised that in certain ways, I can also be referred to as spoilt.

Let me explain.

As a child, I have never been deprived of my material comforts. Each of my every want will be and have always been satisfied by my parents, even if initially, they refused to cave in.

But even then, my wants have never been extravagant; as i did not insist on owning the latest Barbie doll collection, or the latest clothes to hit the stores. My wants were more to the little things that gives me satisfaction such as storybooks, or CDs which i like.

However, when i desire to own anything, my parents will get it for me. They have never denied me of any right to be happy, which means sometimes i am pampered. Actually, most of the time.

This continued even as i grow up. Most of the times, it is them asking me whether i need certain things because i have never been envious of my contemporaries who owned the latest gadgets or who walked the streets donning the latest trends.

That, has never been my style.

I an fully aware, that them being indulgent has led people to think that i am materialistic; that to me, material comforts is everything. I have always maintained that my parents have always imbued values in me, correctly balancing the material respect and the non-materials respects.

It may be due to the image I tend to portray, but it may be true to then say that there are men who think i will be satisfied and happy when they shower me with gifts and large bouquet of flowers.

One, i do not take any particular fancy to flowers, and two, i do not like to be pampered that way.

I feel that the strength of relationship lies in the romance and emotional intimacy any two people have and not based on the weight of the diamond ring he has just bought for her.

Where's the romance in that? I can buy it too, when i grow up and enter the working fraternity.

Unlike some women, i prefer long walks, or where we talk over dinner, or even a simple takeout. Extravangance bores me and i will be fully convinced that a man thinks i can be bought over by his money.

That, is sufficient grounds for me to declare incompatibility.

I prefer talking to my man rather than him buying the most expensive of gifts for me. I prefer him to listen to my never ending and nonsensical talks, and still finding me lovable rather than him judging my affection for him by the increase of my decibels when he gives me a 1000 carat diamond ring.

To be frank, some will give me a look of disbelief when this is my response to a man who can make me happy.

Really people, am I that worthless in your eyes?

2009-04-12T21:46:00.003+08:00

I don't want to sleep.

I had a horrible nightmare yesterday night. A horrible, vivid nightmare which was so real, and which made me wake up in the middle of the night, hugging myself and struggling to keep calm.

When all else failed, when praying and closing my eyes shut did not work, when tossing and turning did not work, I gave in to my tears.

I remember my mother rocking me to sleep when I was small. I remember her soothing me when I used to wake up in the middle of the night , wailing. I remember her making sure I slept before she turned in for the night.

But now, I can't exactly wake her up can I? That would be so immature and selfish.

Hearing a human voice when you had a terrible nightmare is so comforting, because it is a jolt to reality as compared to the alternate one where you were in just now.

I deliberately did not take a nap in the afternoon, even though I was exhausted. If I took a nap, chances are I will be wide awake in the middle of the night and my mind will start wandering.

I always have trouble sleeping. The slightest sound can wake me up. Then, it will be difficult for me to resume my sleep again. When I am plagued with problems or certain concerns, my sleep will be sacrificed. Not because I don't want to sleep, but my worries seemed to have a life of its own. The next day, I won't have a headache but I will be quite groggy and irritable the first part of the morning.

SIGH.

I don't want to sleep, I don't want to sleep, I don't want to sleep.

2009-04-10T22:56:00.003+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, best cousin!

Happy 18th birthday Nur Nabilla!

Enjoy yourself today kay.

ONE DAY YOU ARE DEFINITELY GOING OUT WITH ME.

2009-04-06T21:54:00.003+08:00

Tell me, why do people even get married?

Sometimes, when I see romance culminating into a legalised union, I find myself questioning the sanity and rationale of the couple. Were they, compelled by pressure by their family to get married, or were they really willing to spend their lives together? Or were they blinded by the glitz and glamour of a lavish wedding and are oblivious to the effects thereafter?

I find marriage a complex concept simply because I do not see why I should spend my life with a man who I do not know for sure will be faithful and loyal to his one and only and will not succumb to the temptations of infidelity. I do not know if our affection for one another will fade with time, or will we lose ourselves through non-communication. I do not know if one day, we will sit and stare at one another, with nothing, absolutely nothing, to talk about.

I do not like uncertainties, because the magnitude of it can bring about a damage to a relationship of a lifetime.

I suppose, a marriage can be good also. It gives you security and solarity; the knowledge that the wife is always there at home despite the husband's failed attempts to clinch a multimillion dollar business deal and that the wife can always find comfort in her husband's arms, despite her being a wife with many shortcomings, or her being a paragon of perfection.

But then again,with all the goodwill a marriage promises to give, the negativity trails not too far behind. It is easy to lose your spouse through non communication when you have conflicting schedules. It limits the quality time you spend with each other and this is further compounded when you have children. Spending time with children often will result in awkwardness between couples should they manage to squeeze out time to spend with one another.

Then, there is the problem of your failure to adjust to your spouse behavioural patterns. When she was your girlfriend, her inability to cook will bring a smile to a boyfriend's face, but when a wife cannot cook, she is said to be an incompetent homemaker.

A marriage cannot be taken for granted. It must be worked at, because there are forces now that can lead to a destruction of an otherwise perfect union. Even when you are married, spending time with one another is crucial, for it is here that you know more about your spouse and his or her problems at work. When a married life revolves around children, and the parents stay together just because of the children, and when the children grow up and tread their own path of life, it will be then that the parents find out that they have lost touch with one another.

By then, a divorce is imminent or they stay as husband and wife in the eyes of the law but they are so emotionally detached from one another that each is a stranger to the other.

So, before you say ' I do', think, think, think.

Of course,if you are showered by roses and 100 carat diamond rings, then I rest my case.

2009-04-05T22:41:00.005+08:00

Hello world! I'm back!

Did you miss me?

I must explain myself though. The one blogging now, is me, Iqmal Syabil bin Shawal, the unfortunate nephew of my pretty auntie, Ahfat.

Now, when I say she's pretty, I don't mean it. But sometimes, I catch her primping in front of the mirror for almost half of her waking hours that I will pray in my heart that the mirror won't break into a million pieces. I want to tell her that the amount of hours she spends in front of the mirror will not change her looks, but I haven't gotten anywhere near speaking properly beyond the usual 'googoogaga.' Now, when I don't even know how to speak properly, how am I supposed to say that to her?

Well readers, since we are at it, maybe you could help me there.

Anyway,remember, I said before that her mission in life, is to make my life miserable? But, now, I have turned the tables back. My mission now, is to let her have a taste of her own medicine. Now that I have grown up( I am 1 year 4 months by the way), I am a much stronger baby. I can punch, kick, slap and ram into anyone or anything I want to.

And the receiving end of my newfound strength? My pretty auntie of course!

Where do i begin? Shall I start with the time when I nearly cracked her skull open by knocking her extremely heavy calculator on her head or shall I start with the time when she was sleeping innocently and I woke her up by screaming in her ear?

Where do I begin really?

Hmm,come to think of it, I think I shall not say anything. Because, how will anyone believe that a cute, chubby and large, innocent eyes baby like me will bully his aunt?

No one will.

In that aspect, I am one up against pretty auntie. *evil laughter*

Please, don't tell her that I hacked into her account. Aside from screaming at me like as if she has lost her sanity, she will also turn physical with me. She will pinch and tickle me mercilessly.

Even though I have said that I have newfound strength, may I remind you that she is so much more older than me. She has even bigger strength.

So, if you have fallen in love with my Greek god looks, don't tell on me alright?

Oh, I have to go. I will be back with even more stories on my pretty auntie. The reason for my abrupt disappearance is that I hear her footsteps approaching into her room.

I will be back, because you can never get enough of my shenanigans.

Bye people, love you!

2009-04-03T22:39:00.004+08:00

Blogging with care.

Once, my Mentor asked me why I maintained a blog. In her own words, she said I am ' quite resistant to technology.' If you want to be magnanimous, you will agree with her. But if you were someone who is obtuse and blunt, you would say that I am a 'technological idiot'. I am known for my status as someone who will never understand the complex workings of technology, for a fact that it really eludes me. I have even thought that a laptop was powered by a shockingly powerful Energizer battery when in actual fact it was not. My mentor had an extremely good laugh at my expense, and to this day, she still mentions it to make me shift uncomfortably in my seat.

I started a blog because I really do think about a lot of things and if I was not given an avenue to download my thoughts, I will go bonkers and be the one of the youngest patient ever at the Institute of Mental Health(IMH). Many incidences in my life, are substantial enough for me to put on this site of mine.

But even with a blog, there are certain restrictions placed on me. The excitement of blogging cannot be offset by callous disregard for people's feelings. I cannot explicitly discuss about certain people in my life and my equations with them, especially when ties are strained. That is an invasion of privacy and it is never my intention to worsen ties or to make them uncomfortable when they read my blog.

In fact, certain incidences in my life was never put on a public platform unlike some others, because of the more private nature of these stories. I will feel exposed when I talk about these things, because of the knowledge that people will know more about my personal life. I guard and value my privacy a lot.

You may then ask me, if I really do guard my privacy, then why even have a blog? I did not maintain a blog for the longest time for a fact that I fear that I will lose my privacy. I fear when people chance upon my site and start making preconceived notions about me. But because of my nature as someone who dwells on life a lot, I reckoned it harmless if I were to really screen the things I blog about.

I cannot talk about people, the things they say or do, nor can I name names if something happens to them. If I deemed it absolutely neccassary to talk about them, I would not disclose their identity, for fear of their disdain if I ever expose it. Any normal person won't like it, if their private affairs are put on a blog for many to read, even when at the point that it was crafted, it was not the intention to make them feel embarrassed. This, I have to respect. If many complain that my blog entries are confusing, it is for these precise reasons. When that particular entry was crafted, it was made in such a way that it is really impossible for anyone to guess the identity of that person in question unless it is them who is reading it.

Similarly, I cannot blog about things that happen in school, even the most harmless of topics, if I do not wish to receive any love letter from the Principal. I cannot put my personal opinion about the policies in my school because of the fact that I wear the school logo and pride on my uniform. It it this thought which explained my silence.

I aim to be a responsible blogger and contributor to this medium of communication, but with so many considerations, it is a wonder if I can come up with any harmless topics to talk about.

Sigh.

2009-04-02T19:31:00.006+08:00

My dear, dear Mentor

If you have been a regular follower of my blog, you would have noticed that I always mention someone who I refer to as Mentor in my posts. In fact, I have had people who have been curious about the sudden appearance of Mentor in my life. I do not blame them, because this person suddenly became a very important aspect of my life and finds herself being mentioned in every other post.

To clear your doubts, just so that you will not bury me under your avalanche of questions, I shall introduce her to you.

I have known her for close to four years now. She was my Chemistry teacher for two years. Interestingly, she and I have never had a decent conversation save for the times I plucked up enough courage to clear my doubts about Chemistry. We have never exchanged any pleasantries not even a ' How was your holidays?' all the time I studied in my secondary school. Our relationship was strictly defined, that of a teacher and a student.

She is sometimes known as someone who can have a rather fiery temper and a sharp tongue, and it is these characteristics which have resulted in her being misconstrued as a stern, fierce and a perversely unyielding teacher. In fact, she is nothing like that, and this is a fact that even the most obstinate and rebellious of students cannot deny.

I have never gotten close to her, not because of my misinterpretation of her qualities, but because there was never a situation which arised that required me to engage in a personal conversation with her. Throughout my four years there of which two was spent as her student, she did not know anything personal about me, and neither do I of her. Some of my classmates had, at some point or other, talked to her about some other things aside from Chemistry and this was a chance I did not get to enjoy. The one and only time I did get to talk to her as myself and not as her student, was two weeks prior to the 'O' levels when I sought her out for consultation and she looked very pale. When I asked further, she revealed that she has a bad migraine and I attributed it to her lack of rest.

That was the only time I got to know her as a person.

When I thought about it, I realised one of the reasons why I did not dare to be within 1m radii of her was because I was not her best student in Chemistry. To assuage my guilt, and to lessen the frustration that I always feel when I did not perform well, getting close to her was never my priority.

Frankly, if you were to ask me now why I am this close to her, I cannot provide you with any answer because I myself am not sure. Maybe it was the time when I did a stint of volunteering in my school that I realised she is an easy person to talk to.

It is always very uncanny to both of us, how telepathic we can get. Even our thoughts are very similar that we find ourselves talking about the same thing in the exact words or in the same context! There were many situations where we scared each other due to our strong telepathy, which I shall not delineate, because I feel it is between me and her.

But what makes us close to one another, is the way she listens and subtlely advises me without actually chiding or reprimanding me. She knows me extremely well, better than many who have known me for a long time. This fact I can safely vouch for, because she tells me my deepest thoughts when I did not even give her a whiff of what is actually going on in my life. She is able to fish things out of me when she thinks I am keeping things to myself. I deemed it absolutely unneccassary to hide things from her, because of how sensitive she can get with regard to my feelings.

We joke and we laugh together like as if we had known each other for a long time when in actual fact, the time that we started to get close to one another is less than half a decade. She teases me, mercilessly sometimes, and render me speechless when she refuse to let me off and I cannot think of a comeback fast enough to offset her tease. On our very rare meetups, I can truthfully say that I really enjoyed myself with her, even when she took every opportunity to rib me endlessly.

She is able to read me accurately and she knows when I am upset or unhappy with someone, even though I maintained my silence. Hence, I have never hidden anything from her knowledge, except for the time when we had conflicting schedules which restricted the time we can talk to each other.

If not for her existence in my life, I would have spoiled my friendship with some people due to my mounting frustration with them. I would have gone off the handle were it not for her, who asked me to think rationally before I do anything. Had it not been for her patience in handling me when I am in one of my dark moods, I may have offended some people with whom I had a disagreement with.

Had it not been for her also, I would have lost a person who can make so much difference in my life and whose opinion I will always listen to and do. Her opinions and her thoughts matter a lot to me, and to her I shall always listen even if sometimes I beg to differ.

I thank God for letting me know this former Chemistry teacher of mine as a person and not just as a passing phase in my life. Through her, I have learnt how to be more magnanimous in dealing with people who I do not take a fancy to. She teaches me lessons of life, of gratification and I will always be thankful to her for that.

I thank God for letting our paths cross. Years later, if ever we do lose contact due to compelling circustances, her words, her memories will always be with me. I can tell my children if I ever do get married, about this person who made an imprint in my life and who left, when she was forced to do so.

This is my Mentor.

I love her very, very much.

2009-04-01T20:35:00.002+08:00

Do you know?

I watched as the woman dressed immaculately in a white uniform with a patch of blue on the topmost part of the uniform tended to the sick patient. Like a professional that she is, she extracted blood from his veins, wiped his hands with cotton swabs and gave him his medicine. My eyes followed her every actions, as she expertly put the medicine back to its respective compartments and wheeled the table out of the room.

This was the scene that greeted me when I had my first visit to a hospital at the tender age of 6. Since then, because of the precision, expertise and specialisation that governed a nurse's job, I secretly harboured fantasies of being in the medical fraternity when I grow up.

It is not only about the uniform( well, I don't need to crack my brains every morning agonising over what to wear), but because I feel that there is nothing more fulfilling in this world other than helping people to regain their foothold in their health. There is nothing like the joy of knowing that a patient will be discharged soon and that he has gained normalcy. There is nothing like the satisfaction of knowing that a patient has miraculously survived an ordeal and has been given a new lease of life. There is absolutely nothing like the feeling of fulfillment when you know that somehow or other, you have affected their lives.

And, the knowledge that you have save them from walking straight into the lion's lair? Sheer bliss and absolute satisfaction.

I love the nursing's job. In fact, I hold the medical fraternity in high regard for a fact that they are responsible for nursing a patient's health and they are the ones who save you from the jaws of death. Not many professions can do that. Only a priviledged few.

In fact, I would seriously consider becoming a nurse were it not for the fact that I am terrified of blood. I am seriously petrified of large amounts of blood oozing or spurting out from a wound that it can send me to a stuttering state for quite a period of time. Whenever I see images or screenshots of the human body, I can feel nause and bile rising up from my throat and threatening to come out. If I ever see an operation even from a television, I will squeeze my eyes shut and pray that the scene ends as quickly as possible.

Now, being scared of these things doesn't qualify me to be a nurse at all. How can you extract blood when the mere sight of it sends you to a stuttering state? How can I ever assist a doctor in any operation, even a minor one, when the very sight of him opening up a patient's anatomy will reduce me to a cowering situation?

Even if I cannot think of anything more honourable and respectable than a nurse, and that I love to help people, these fear prevents me from doing so. It is a hurdle I can never get to overcome.

Which is why, I have never aired my personal fantasies, because I just know people will stare at me incredulously as if I have sprouted a third ear. No, I mean really. Looking at my reaction , people will think I have just annouced that I want to be a pole dancer or something.

Not that I want, but I am just saying the shock is the equivalent.

Just now, while I was on my way back from school, I saw a nurse in the same bus as myself. As I was thinking of my secret fantasy, I honestly did not realise I was staring at her.

I think she thinks I am psychotic or drooling over her.

Oh please.

2009-03-31T20:40:00.002+08:00

The End

When my mother clicked off the phone, I noticed her grim expression as she walked to the table to put the cordless phone back to its cradle. I felt my heart beating faster, because her expression does not signify a happy news at all. My suspicion was confirmed when she said someone from my distant family member had passed away in the afternoon.

Hearing that, I instantly felt a bitter taste in my mouth. Everyday, we hear and read of people whose life was taken forcefully away in a tragic car accident, or by a terminal disease which triumphed over the deceased's will to stay alive. The family in mourning would then have to face the trauma of a tragic loss of a loved one, and sometimes, the seamless hurt that pierce through the heart each time a recollection of that person happens, gets deeper with time. Some wounds never heal, but with the passage of time, it gets deeper.

I was introduced to the concept of death when I was only at the tender age of 4 and a half. My grandmother's younger brother had passed away when he finally succumbed to cancer and we were told to reach there before afternoon for his burial. My mother dressed me in solemn colours and tried all that she can, to answer a flurry of questions from a bewildered 4 year old.

That night, my mother told me this man who had passed away was called by God to a faraway beautiful place where he is to stay there till eternity. He will be happy there because all his agony in this world had ended. She told me, everyone in this world will leave one day, it was just a question of where and when. Hearing that, I remember frowning and asking her ' I will die too?' My mother simply stared at me, and as she rocked me to sleep, she told me not to ponder over things so much and I will understand the concept of death as I grow up.

I hate death. I hate it for the finality that it implements. I hate it because it always stir feelings of frustration and helplessness each time I hear of someone close who had ended his journey of life. I hate it because of the endless tears that gathers in my eyes and refuse to subside. I hate it, for it took my grandmother away from me.

My grandmother, crumbled to the cruel arm of cancer on the 7th of January 2000. Nine years since she left me, yet the pain of losing her is still as fresh as yesterday. Nine years since I last saw the frail 78 year old wheelchair bound woman with white hair and a toothless smile. Nine years, since I last felt her firm fingers stroking my hair tenderly to put me to sleep.

I remember watching the solemn and sober ceremony and feeling like as if it was a nightmare I am begging to be woken up from. I saw the woman who shrouded my grandmother and I felt like asking her to take that white cloth off my grandma's helpless body because it felt surreal. It felt so unbelievable that I was not to see my grandma anymore.

When I was to kiss her for the last time, I remember whispering to my grandma that I love her very much. An irony as it may seem to be, I half expected her to open her eyes and tell me that she loves me too. All I got was a fresh barrage of tears which threatened to spill over.

As I watched her body being lowered to the ground for her burial, I felt a hollow feeling inside, where her laughter used to be, her presence in my room, and most of all, the thought that she will always be there when I get back home. All I was left with was memories of her, locked deep inside my heart and even then I felt incomplete.

I will never forget the day I discovered my grandma had stopped breathing. It is a fatal memory that I will bring to my grave, and until my last breath.

People, treasure your loved ones. You may never know when is the last time you get to see their smiling faces. When you have the time, spend it with your other half, and your family members. Tell them that you love them, and let them know you did think of them.

You never know people, you never know.

2009-03-30T19:32:00.020+08:00

My Birthday Surprise.

It was supposed to be the week before the holidays commenced that we were supposed to go out together. Initially, they wanted to give me a surprise at VivoCity. Being the unsuspecting girl that I seldom am, I thought theirs was just a surprise, ending with us talking nineteen to the dozen on the rooftop. I don't mind that really. I won't mind it so long as we have a great time out together.

But, our plan was thwarted by reasons I shall not mention here. So, it was postponed to the week after exams had ended. I thought, because my birthday was eons ago, they had cleanly forgotten about their carefully laid out plan. Boy, was I ever so wrong. When I innocently asked ' are we still going out this Saturday?' I got one who arched her eyebrows, the other who stared at me like as if I had just landed from Mars and another who gave me a look which said ' Duh Fathiah.' Okay, so I dutifully abided by their plan.

We had dinner at Earl's Swensons' at 4 plus on Saturday. I was innocently admiring the beautiful scenery outside when two of them, Azimah and Nadirah said they wanted to visit the loo. So, I just nodded and continued with my quest of admiring the beauty of Planet Earth. The first suspicion that made its way up and down my spine was that they took so long to go to the loo. It was nearly 20 minutes that I finally saw them making their way back to our table. I saw the glint of mischieviousness in Nadirah's eyes, but I kept quiet. Knowing the both of them, I thought they had made some jokes about a certain group of people that had sent the four of us in peals of laughter earlier on.

After we paid our bill, whose amount is astronomical might I add, they said they wanted to go to the rooftop and watch the stars. Like a good girl that I undoubtedly am, I went with their plan. Little did I know, that when we reached, they said they again, wanted to visit the loo and.. when we were nearing it, they turned and said ' Actually, we are going to Sentosa, surprise!' I was quite unaware with my surroundings so I just nodded. But, I did a double take and said ' Sentosa?! But I haven't bought the tickets!'

They said ' No silly, this is the real surprise. We paid everything for you already. Now are you moving or are you not?'

Because I was still standing rooted to the spot, they pulled my slender hands to the skytrain. I was still speechless. They had it so well-kept that even a person like me who will always catch on anything fishy, was caught completely unawares.

They took me around Sentosa and then said we are watching Songs of the Sea. I was about to open my mouth and say ' I haven't buy ticket' when Nadirah interjected and said she bought it on Friday. Whoa, I mean really. WHOA. They bought it beforehand because the queue would be really long and everyone knows I detest waiting.

Again, I was dumbstruck. For a person whose mouth is silent only she's asleep or when she's sick, that is a feat for me.

Songs of the Sea was such a fantastic performance. They had taken care of the minute technicalities that when it was put on for us audience to watch, it was perfect. But what made it so perfect was that I was watching with 3 other people without whom my day would not have turned out to be so great and flawless. They knew it had been long since I last stepped foot onto Sentosa. They knew I love surprises. It was sheer bliss being able to watch such a great performance with them. I revelled at the thought that it was for me that they had gone to all the trouble. I love the way they made me feel so special; like as if I was a heroine that night. I felt better than a heroine. I felt on top of the world. I felt so extremely happy and jubilant that I could find no words even with my dramatisation, to thank them for an unforgettable night. I was smiling throughout the whole show and it was mainly because of them. I know it wasn't that easy to keep a surprise from me.

Without further ado, I shall let you view the pictures.

Thank you. I think even a simple thank you will not suffice. I had never dreamt even in my wildest ones that this was what you had planned all along. It was a night well spent and it was all because of you, that I smiled genuinely for what seemed like a long time. For always making sure I end a day with a smile, and for accepting me for who I am, thank you ladies. Thank you, so, so much.

I love you.

2009-03-24T20:27:00.000+08:00

I want to get this over and done with.

2009-03-22T13:06:00.003+08:00

I realise that I do not have a talent.

Sometimes, when I look at my friends and acquaintances, I feel a surge of envy making its way up and down my spine. The envy does not stem from the fact that I covet what they have, but it stems from the realization that unlike they, who can play musical instruments or take breathtaking photographs of the landscape, I am sadly, bestowed with neither talent.

It may be true to then say that I was never gifted with the blessings of being musically inclined or having an unsurpressed passion for photography. In fact, I have often wondered why there are so many people with a raging passion to prove their mettle in these arenas, because it really is beyond me, how deep is their interest and how talented they are.

When I see people playing the violin, I wonder why I did not take up a course in violin when I was little. They made it look so easy but only the talented know how difficult it is to master such a skill. I am always the audience who will clap her hands appreciatively in the utmost respect for such talented people who reside in the same planet as me.

I remember an audition for band in my primary school. For reasons very unknown to me, I was asked to pay the piano for the trials. I just gave the teacher one affronted look because I had the impression that I was about to be made the butt of all jokes.

She said : Okay play C, B, ................( I don't remember such details)
Me : Huh? C, B?
She : Those are notes.
Me : Oh so you play notes in piano?

She blinked then she politely gestured for me to leave the room. Before even trying out, I was booted.

That, is how clueless I can get.

My 'talent'( notice the aprostrephe), is not in these areas, but in other areas, of which I shall not delineate. I believe that such details shall be made known to those who are close to me but not to everyone who has an internet connection and can access my blog.

Well, the other reason is so that you won't stare at your screen with disbelief. I can do without the sarcasm thank you very much.

Now, our government is trying to promote our little nation as a regional arts hub. I respect their decision because it seems that our country is focusing too much on the educational aspect of life that the sanctity of human life(which includes the non-educational and material aspects), are ignored.

I just wonder, what will become of me, if they insist on each and every young person to at least have a talent.

When this happens, I shall be applying for a visa.

To migrate.

2009-03-19T16:47:00.003+08:00

Just a short one.

List of things I vow to do, once I am done being tortured by exams.

In no order of merit, they are:

1) Meet my Scandal.
2) Meet my Lover.
3) Meet Nabilla, my cousin.
4) Meet Vanessa Manap, whose outing I have sucessfully pushed for almost one year now.
5) Meet my Mentor and give her a big, long hug, because I have so much things to tell her plus I miss her a lot. But the thing is, I just chatted with her yesterday night. To be continued.
6) Watch more tv especially my Bollywood movies.
7) Watch Confessions of a Shopaholic with my sister.
8) An outing with my girls.
9) Clear my wardrobe which is threatening to burst at the seams.
10) Go out with my best boy friend, who I haven't talked to since last year.
11) Meet my Babygirl.
12) Shopping? But I really detest shopping sometimes.
13) Buy a book. This is a must. This is my life, man.
14) Talk to my favourite teacher more on MSN, because it's either he is too busy to spare me just a few minutes, or when he does come online, I forget what I want to say because.... I will be busy ribbing him endlessly.
15) Go out more often.
16) Laze around in bed with the delicious thought that I don't need to get up early the next morning.
17) Go out with my secondary school classmates. You know who you are.
18) Meet Salina, my best friend in secondary school. We have not talked since I don't know when.
19) Buy more CDs and just idle my time away by watching them.
20) Change my blogskin.
21) Sleep more.
22) Buy bags, clothes and whatnot. Have I said it before?
23) Try to at least do half of the things I have listed.

My mentor made me a very happy girl yesterday night. She did something which was unexpected. But, much as I would love to share with you people, I cannot. I have already made a solemn vow to her, so I shall be a good girl and keep my promise.

Thank you for that, Mentor. I love you. But it doesn't mean I have forgotten all that you are supposed to pay me kay?

Anyway, yesterday, I was almost convinced I was about to suffer from cardiac arrest. Why? Because, while I was online with my Mentor who was in a teasing mode yesterday, she refused to let me off.

Remember the post prior to this? Well, she happened to read it, and was so proud of it that she was on that topic for two consecutive days. Let me repeat it again. TWO DAYS.

No wonder I'm the nervous wreck you people see me as today.

My MSN nick was 'a timeless beauty.' She called me thick-skinned because she insisted I was referring to myself. She said ' I not so thick-skinned as someone lor.'

I shall be humble and take it as a compliment.

2009-03-17T15:01:00.016+08:00

Are you beautiful?

There she stands. Graceful as a swan she is, with her hands perched delicately on her hips. She exudes an unmistakable aura, one which draws men and women to her. Her large eyes are the downfall of many a man. Her facial features are delicate and exquisite, the kind of beauty any woman would want to have. She has a magnetic personality and together with her alluring beauty, she is someone who women would love to hate hate but is the dream woman for any man. A perfect package of a beautiful woman she is, one who possess physical beauty and a charming personality.

This is my description of a beautiful woman. I was intrigued with the definition of beautiful because I feel it is now used loosely with no strict regard for the real definition. Any women who possess looks which are beautiful is catapulted to the 'beautiful' category and maybe, no one would look at her inner self.

Just yesterday, I was on MSN, with my Mentor, and I feel I have gained a new insight when she explicitly explained to me, the unanimous meaning of the word beautiful. A woman who is described as beautiful is someone who has physical beauty as well as someone who possess an endearing personality. She says she rarely use the word 'beautiful' unless that person surpasses her expectations. I agree with her. I too, seldom use the word beautiful unless I deemed it fit to do so.

A beautiful woman is one, who has features that is endearing to the senses, especially the sense of sight and also has personal qualities that draws people to her. She is not only beautiful, but her magnetic personality makes her all the more mysterious. These are the kind of women, that most men would go for because she has passion and is compassionate by nature rather than a woman who really is beautiful but is cold and condenscing and turns down her nose on people beneath her.

I have met many beautiful women in my life, but few has both beauty and qualities that makes her an ideal type of person and woman to have. Many are blinded and obssessed with their looks, that they flagrantly disregarded their own personalities because they think, only physical beauty matters. This is not true, at least in my definition. I believe beauty is in the eyes of the beholder.

I too, have met women who are not exactly endowed with beauty but her qualities more than compensate for her lack of appealing looks. This is the kind of women many aspire to be, because with time, people age. The kind of beauty that they posses in their prime will gradually subside. What makes people remember her, is her inner beauty and this is something time does not corrode.

Hence, to end off this post, I shall then give you the most beautiful women in my life.

My mother, Zukimah Fauzi bte Ismail.

According to many reliable sources, my mother's beauty attracted many from the opposite gender. The fair-skinned, downcast eyes, aristocratic nose and cheekbones the envy of any fashion model became the downfall of many men. Aside from that, my mother is someone who accepts people for who they are. She is not skeptical nor is she suspicious. She believes that each person has his or her own flaws and attributes and she always choose to look beyond any imperfection and accept people. This is something, her own daughter may never get to doing.

My Mentor, Ms Wong W.D

In her own words, she said she blend with the surroundings. I beg to differ, not because I know she will read this, nor is it because I want to get into her good books. But I am of the personal belief that she is a beautiful woman. She possess the kind of beauty that is not threatening to other women, and I termed this as 'peaceful' beauty. Her features are soft and pleasing to the eye and I know for a fact that many agrees with this. She is also very comfortable with herself and brushes off people's comments with a wave of her hands. To me, she is in her own element and people who vow to bring her down with their snide comments will have a lot on their hands. She is the epitome of a modern woman, independent and conservative at the same time. Her personality is what I aim to have in my growing up years. She has taught me time and again to be not too judgmental of people and to control my emotions like she always manage to do. This is a feat, that yours truly is struggling to learn.

My cousin, Nur Nabilla bte J.

My revolution in the definition of beauty started with her. She has reiterated time and again to me that having physical beauty is not enough. I was quite myopic in that I thought that woman who do not possess a conventional beauty is not beautiful at all. According to her, my definition was too narrow because there are many types of beauty. Through her eyes, so to speak, my definition now encompasses a lot of other qualities. My cousin's unmistakable beauty is one that many will not miss. Her features, from her eyes to any other part of her face is delicate and feminine. With or without makeup, she is one of the few women who still manage to look good effortlessly. She makes everyone feel special and that they matter to her, even though that person does not rank high on her list. Patient as she is to almost everybody, people are comfortable when they are with her. That's what makes her a nice person.

My beautiful former form and English Teacher, Mrs J. Teo.

My Mentor and me agreed on this. Mrs Teo is really beautiful. She 'commands' attention when she is in place full of people and her presence is very noticeable. Her posture is upright, poise and graceful. Even the way she makes her way from the table to the stall is graceful. Mrs Teo has the kind of beauty which makes women feel intimidated. She not only has physical beauty, but she is every other thing as well. Her sylphlike self is envied by many who will never be like her. She is an institution and I feel that if she wasn't a teacher, she would have made her mark in any profession because she is determined, she perseveres and most of all, she cares. The concern that she showers on us was what makes us love and respect her. Never one to raise her voice in any circumstances, she listens attentively to people before she makes her decision. Always objective and caring at the same time, Mrs Teo is a woman many aspire to be.

So what do you think?

p/s: Before I make it to a lot of other people's hate list, I will explain myself. There are in my life, many other beautiful/attractive people but these women appear here because they fit aptly to my definition.

2009-03-15T21:55:00.002+08:00

My stifling exhaustion

Believe me when I say that I am really on the road to madness.

This is total, total madness.

My sacred one week holiday is burnt.

I want to go out.

I want to go out.

I want to go out.

I want to go out!

Maybe, if i repeat it to myself for 100 times, I may convince myself to go out in my dreams.

2009-03-11T22:02:00.004+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERIC!

Those were the days. I miss that classroom.

Do you see the handsome guy whose right hand is raised?

That's Eric Wong Xuan Zhao, one of 4E1'07 undisputed comedian. His jokes can really make people laugh and two of our teachers who always fall prey to his hilarious jokes are Mr Lim and Mrs Teo.

Happy 18th birthday Eric! You are 18 now, you must try and behave like one okay? Don't scold me, it isn't everyday I get to tease you.

Let's have a 4E1 class gathering as soon as I can catch my breath.

Take care Ericky( as I like to call you). I wish you all the best and may you get attached soon!

By the way, you still single,hor?

2009-03-07T22:04:00.002+08:00

Unplanned meeting with Mentor

Sometimes I think, our impromptu meeting is the best of our outings so far. Planned meetups will always result in her having to leave early because of her commitments.

No, I have never blamed her, just that I will make her pay. You can call this the revenge of the astute protege.

Today, my friends cancelled our meetup because of reasons I shall not mention here. So, since I miss my mentor as wide as the Pacific Ocean( but I am sure she miss me more than all the oceans in the world), I suggested we meet up. It was supposed to be tomorrow, but knowing the responsible and hardworking woman that she always is, she will most likely cancel it tonight, attributing the decision to her work.

Well, because I know her so well, I decided to catch her when she was already out, so she cannot refuse me! See, I am sometimes so smart, even I astound myself.

However, she sent me a message which gave me the strangest of urges to strangle her. She said ' Um.. you aren't lose I hope?' when she didn't see my beautiful silhouette for quite sometime. It isn't my fault you see world, when the MRT was not punctual. Well, it isn't also her fault because I have a high tendency to get lost. When I read that message, it made me glare at my innocent handphone.

Which was nestled comfortably in my delicate hands.

Anyway, we walked around VivoCity then left that insanely crowded place for a long , long drive. The word, is really long. Because, we drove from Vivo to many places I didn't know existed in Singapore.

By the way my dear, can you please tell me how we ended up from Changi to Sengkang? It is a mystery which is beyond me.

The one thing I love about going out with her( aside from the fact that I get chaffeured around), is that I can be myself. I do not wear any caution belt because I know she accepts me for who I am. The murderous glare, the blatant honesty and my forthrightness, which makes me, me. There are many others which I shall not list. Although I know that one of her life's most important mission, is to mould me into a less harsher version of a young lady and to make me lose all my errrr, strong personalities, I still love her very much.

We ate at a food centre at Bukit Timah I think? I thought I saw the signboard. Was it Bukit Timah or was it some word which looked like Bukit Timah?

Hmm. This is interesting.

My parents said I missed a lot by not attending the engagement party at Tampines. My relatives were asking about me, where I am and what am I up to. I missed seeing my future cousin-in-law and the related people. I did not get to see my cousin finally getting engaged to a woman he will stay true till the end of time. I did not get to see my aunts and uncles which really, I have not seen in eons. I was not in the picture, when all those funny jokes were made. Neither was I there to see my cousins and my distant family members.

But put it this way. If I do not see my dear, dear Mentor today, I can safely say I will not see her for a long time. My family is just a phonecall away. My mentor is too, in a more closer sense. But I won't get to see her. That's the catch. That is really the catch, which was the prime reason, why I forego the engagement party.

Well, actually, when I knew I wasn't going out with my friends, my family already left. Now, can you imagine the innocent me making her own way all the way to Tampines? I can, to tell you the truth. But my heart wasn't in it.

Now Mentor, if you are reading this, provided you remember my blog url that is, are you wiping tears of appreciation? I hope you are.

I sincerely hope you are, so I can tease you after that!

Okay, to cut a long story short, I reached home around a quarter to 8 but my family still wasn't at home. Once my parents joined forces....

World, take cover.

I am tired now, and I want to eat again.

Who says I was on a diet?

2009-03-06T21:39:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, even the most smartest person falls

So, what does that tell you?

For once, cut me some slack.

Don't expect too much from me will you?

I am human too, in case you forgot

2009-03-03T21:42:00.004+08:00

Happy Eighteen.

When the clock striked 12, I stopped what I was doing. I took a deep breath and threw my gaze outside. Somehow, the calmness and tranquility of the beautiful landscape beheld a great wonder. My eyes wandered appreciatively over the trees which cast fearful shadows on the ground. I hugged myself. How beautiful nature is, always managing to calm me down, irrespective of any situation I was facing. It was as if the unassuming beauty of nature was beckoning me to the world of tomorrow.

My gaze fell on the fallen leaves and the twigs that drifted idly on the puddles of water. Although it was a familiar sight which has been greeting me for the past 18 years, tonight this scene touched a chord in my heart. It was very different, looking at the same old landscape bathed in the dark blue of the night as I turned 18 on the 3rd of March.

Eighteen. I am eighteen. It felt surreal to be one. It felt surreal to say that I am now 18 years old as compared to the number 17 which I was accustomed to for the past year. It felt unbelievable when I was hit with the realization that I will approach adulthood in 2 years time.

As a child, I used to fantasize about the idea of growing up. Going places, meeting new people, perhaps having a significant other half by the time I reached 18. I was always mesmerized by the aura of confidence that most adults exude when I meet anyone of them. I too, wanted to be just like them; standing on par in terms of social status and also the academic aspect.

But as I grow up, I realised that being an adult is not that easy. It comes with responsibility, it comes with maturity, to be able to accept reality as it hits us, sometimes unknowingly, sometimes intentionally. How many times had I wished I can turn the time back to yesteryear?

In my life, I have been extremely blessed, bestowed with unconditional love from my family and friends. If I ever needed a shoulder to cry, they will be there for me and this matters a lot rather than any expensive gift they buy for me. Support is much more essential and inexplicable, should I need some encouraging words to point me in the right direction.

Yesterday, Jann put up a post specially for me in her blog. I was so touched that even a simple thank you will not suffice. I could find no words, even with my dramatisation, to thank her for the one gesture of hers. I had thought her intention when she asked me to visit her blog was just to merely see a simple wish that she put. I did not expect her to dedicate one whole post specially for me.

She was more excited that I, at the prospect that I am about to enter the initial stage of adulthood. I think it felt surreal to her as well. She was so ebullient yesterday across the cyber waves that it brought a smile to my face. Such is the strength of our friendship that she feels happy for me even if it was just my birthday. For making my day and bringing a smile to my face, thank you Jannifer. Thank you so much.

Yesterday also, I was on MSN with my dear, dear Mentor. She too, is a very important person in my life, and her position in my heart is irreplacable. Sometimes, I wonder how is it that people can exist without a Mentor, someone who will advise you regardless of your faults and imperfections and to always let you know that you are not alone. She has always been and will always be the spine that holds me straight when I feel like going under and the never ending support that I need in my life. She gives me love and support when I need it, she gives me advice when I took a misstep and she also reproaches me when I do something she doesn't like me to. This year's birthday is more meaningful because I have her with me, as I enter into initial stage of adulthood. I know she will always throw her weight behind me, laugh with me when I feel happy and hug me when I need her presence the most. She made a promise to me yesterday which was so much more important and meaningful, and it will not surpass the most expensive gift she can afford. For always picking me up when I fall and for telling me that she loves this astute protege of hers, thank you Mentor. Thank YOU.

This last person is someone who I will always look up to and I will respect so long as there is breath in my body. I shall conceal his identity because he doesn't like to be recognised in any form of public appreciation. This person is also someone who gives me support but in a different way. He is not used to expressing his concern in words, but through his actions. He is the person who restored some of the confidence that I had lost over the years, always telling me to believe in myself. I had never dreamt that I will find a friend in him, not in a million years. Says he, belief in one's self is half the battle won. People had said it countless times to me, but his words woke me up from my deep slumber. It might be because I always take his words seriously but his one sentence miraculously made me believe in myself. This person is not obliged to listen to my tales of weal and woe, but he did and willingly so. Whenever I want to give up, I will think of his encouragement, and the desire to be par excellence gets ignited again. Life is visibly more trying now that I am almost nearing my pursuit for education, but I'll always remember this person wherever or whoever I may be in the future, my 'philosopher,' someone who left his imprint in my life. Ten years, or even twenty years down the road, if I ever do get married, I can tell my children ' this person is the one who inspired me.' For restoring my confidence, person, and for continuously telling me in firm but gentle tones that I will be fine despite the current going against me, thank you. Thank you so, so much.

This post have been long enough.

* to friends : yours will be the next post.

Good night.

2009-03-01T19:02:00.004+08:00

Pitter patter, pitter patter

The sound of the rain hitting the window panes woke me up from my deep slumber. I rubbed my eyes and threw my gaze outside, only to see a melancholy landscape greeting me. The rain had painted a wash of gloomy paint over the architecture of the buildings and also over the atmosphere. It gave me the feeling like as if someone had cruelly wrenched the happy atmosphere and replaced it with a grimy and gloomy landscape.

I have a love- hate relationship with the rain. Sometimes, I welcome it; on other times, I hate it. This is one of the rare days, where I detest the rain. The repetitive sounds of the rain transports me back to my past and fills me with nostalgic thoughts.

Contrary to popular opinion, I actually do not like walking through the treacherous path of yesteryear, because I am a firm believer that what's past is past. Dwelling on it, won't change the fact that it has already happened. Conjuring up emotions of hatred, love and longing will never bring me back to the past and correct my mistakes. But, I do still allow myself to take a walk in the path of yesterday.

The devastating sound of the rain is equivalent to a time 'checker' in my dictionary. As if each drop of the rain is a testament to the time which had passed by. As a child, I used to count the number of raindrops and let it drop onto my outstretched palm. As I closed my palm around the raindrop,I feel a sense of accomplishment, as if I really, had achieved something.

But now, sometimes, I dread the rain. It always succeeds in making me feel lost and helpless. I cannot hear any music that tugs at the strings of my heart, because the rhythm and tonality matches my moods or it made it even worse.

I sat down on my sofa while thinking about this and tried to diminish any thoughts of wallowing in self pity. Because my thoughts were not due to any recent events, but it was due to the atmosphere. The sad, devastating atmosphere.

The rain and occasional sad music always had that effect on me. It seemed to beckon to old feelings of longing and helplessness from deep within the recesses of my heart that I never knew existed. I have chose, from the moment I decided not to brood on it, to let my problems go.

The rain lasted for about a few hours. As I watched the sun bathed the landscape with its strong and reliable rays, the sad thoughts ebbed away. I watched as the clouds parted to give way to the beautiful, big blue sky.

I got up from my sofa. Just like the rain which had given way to the sun, I had to give way too. Just like how the water from the rain had stopped falling, I have to stop this feeling of helplessness in me too. Just like how the sun had came out and brighten my moods, I have to look for the silver lining behind every dark cloud.

A new beginning, just like me. I wonder, how long will this resolution last.

2009-03-01T16:35:00.002+08:00

How much of me do you control?

Sometimes, when I ponder over my marital status, or lack thereof, I realised that the prime reason why I never was attached, was because I detest being controlled. I do not relish the thought of any man calling me up or asking me where I am when I am not bounded by matrimony to him.

When that happens, I will go ballistic. I have never understood why a girl have to ask permission when she just wants to go out and take a breather. Does non-permission means I cannot step foot out of the house? I can tell you with certainty that I will never give this kind of commitment.

I have known of people whose movements are restricted because the other half does not permit them to pursue their dreams or their goals. I find this, quite appalling and silly. If the significant other trusts me and believes me, there is no reason why I always have to be led by the nose. I have my own aspirations and dreams to fulfill, and a man with an ego the size of Nebraska has got to be joking if he thinks I will let him control me.

Advice due to concern and caution is very different from advice due to the green monster we call jealousy. If that advice was laced with the sole reason of protecting me, I will listen. But if it's due to the fact that he lets paranoia get the better of him, I will not rationalise nor will I justify his actions.

Perhaps, because of this known reputation of mine, people think I am too independent and too opinionated. I have no comments, because I do display certain exhibits of that character.

If I am to have a boyfriend, we have to have mutual trust, without which, affection as strong as Romeo and Juliet will not see the light of the day.

And no, this post was not made due to any particular reason.

2009-02-28T23:30:00.005+08:00

I love my mentor.

I must have said this for umpteen times. But I do love her a lot.

I met her today, for a short while, because she had something on after that.

But, well I think it's suffice.

Not many can get away with tickling and jabbing her sides.

LOL.

__________________________________________

2009-02-28T08:31:00.002+08:00

Please give the priority seat to someone who needs it more than you do.

It doesn't take an Einstein or the equivalent to tell you that I am about to delineate an account of a certain someone who does not understand simple, grammatical English or he was deliberately oblivious to that notice.

A few weeks ago, I was on the way to meet my friend. To do that, naturally, I had to take the public transport system, the MRT. Personally, I prefer the MRT to the bus, because buses tend to be crowded most of the time, giving me the impression that I had momentarily exchanged lives with sardines.

The MRT was not that crowded, which lifted up my spirits somewhat and gave me sufficient space to read my book while standing. As I was engrossed with the plot and the way the author wove the words, an old man boarded the train. I noticed him because he was such a frail old looking man and I speculated that his age was in mid 70s. His eyes looked weary and sunken. He limped slowly and he seemed to wince with each and every step he took.

Naturally, my heart went out to him. My eyes wandered around the vicinity in which he was pitifully standing and thought that people will jump up from their seats and offer him their comfortable seating place. Well, many of them averted their gaze and pretended to be fascinated studying the architecture of the buildings which whizzed by as the MRT travelled.

I was quite appalled by their behaviour. I noticed a man, who was nestled comfortably in the priority seat and he was leaning against the glass wall, about to be transported into Lala Land. I knew he noticed the old man, because he angled his body in such a way which made me feel that he was deliberately doing so to avoid standing throughout his journey. That selfish, guileless man.

By then, the old man was massaging his aching leg and was coughing repeatedly. I wanted to approach him, but I was afraid he will look at me like as if I had sprouted another ear. I turned to look at the Selfish One, who was also looking at the man. By the way, this old man was standing very close to him.

I gave the Selfish Man a look. At first, he ignored me and continued to be oblivious. But because I was looking at him with such intensity that he finally, got his heavy bottom off the seat and reluctantly offered the old man his seat.

I was pleased and continued reading my book. I realised the Selfish One was trying to make me look in his direction, probably because he was dissatisfied with the little amount of respect I displayed towards a total stranger.

I ignored him. Such selfishness for him, a young and agile adult to be so myopic just because he had to stand for a few minutes.

He alighted a few stops later and I, a few more stops later.

What an event to start a new day with!

2009-02-25T19:23:00.005+08:00

The Scare

I turned sharply as I heard someone trying forcefully to feed the key in the door. It was only 10.55 pm, and my father was not expected to come home from work until 11.45pm. I shot a glance at my mother, whose anxious expression mirrored mine.

I stood still and waited for any indication that this stranger will force his way in. I gingerly walked to my parent's bedroom door and cocked my head slightly. Again, the sound of someone trying to open the door filled my ears.

Blood was drumming in my ears. My heart was slamming against my ribs. I took a few deep breaths to keep my sudden nausea from returning. I was petrified.

What if this is a burglar? I counted to ten to compose myself and marched over to the house door. I peeked into the peep hole. I saw a man dressed in white, looking at something in his hands. My eyes widened. He seemed to be irritated from the way his frustrated hands appeared to fiddle with something that he was holding.

I heard my mother's hesitant footsteps behind me. She tried to look calm but I could see fear dancing in her liquid black eyes.

My eyes wandered around the living room, looking for something I could strike this person with. My frightened eyes settled on stool. Three of them. I could carry one and give this person a huge blow.

Just as the key in the lock turned, I braced myself for a physical fight with this trespasser. The compulsion to scream grew stronger by the minute. I raised my hand over my head and..............

MY FATHER: oi! you want to kill me ah?
Me( stops midway and stares): WAH LAU, how come you come back so early?
MY FATHER: My friend sent me home la! what were you thinking? you thinking i burglar right! Oh what a daughter I have!
Me: How i know right. you surrespticiously returned! couldn't you have called us earlier? ( puts hand on heart) I could have died!
my mother: yalor, yalor. I also think got burglar.
MY FATHER( taking out his socks and trying to hide his amusement): Now, I couldn't have the good fortune of any people coming to kidnap the both of you can i?
Me and my mother: OI!!!!!!!!! YOU NOT HAPPY SAY AH! we can go out you know.
MY FATHER( frowns as if deep in thought): and if really i was a burglar, which burglar would turn the key so loudly and alert the people inside? and give you enough time to call the police?
Me: Mama, let's leave home. He's insulting our intelligence.
MY FATHER: come, let me send you. Where to? the foreigners' squatters?

LOL.

2009-02-23T22:39:00.004+08:00

I wonder if this is just the beginning of the end

Believe me when I say that I do not intend to humiliate you. Really, I don't. I have never let my happiness stay on this blog for long. Usually, once my practicality get the better of me, I will delete any post directed at you, because I was fully convinced that I was being too emotional, too paranoid, too cynical.

But time and again, you just had to prove me right. Time and again, S. Time and again, I find myself in my own web of entangled thoughts. I wonder S, when will you and I ever solve our differences.

You forced me into silence everytime people ask me about you. Not because I hate you, but because I have nothing redeeming to say. I have very little recollection about the good times we did spend together. Do you remember when was the last time you and I lasted for a quite sometime without engaging into a heated discussion?

I don't. I tried so hard to S, but I couldn't.

I tried my absolute best to let you in on my life. I don't remember deliberately excluding you from any knowledge of the current events occuring in my life. I thought that by doing this, maybe things will change.

How was I to know, that I was still so naive? My futile attempts had always been a platform to convince me to give up. It had always been a time to show me, how strained and estranged we can get with each other.

Each and everytime that happens, I will again, pick up the broken pieces that you left behind and continue in my quest.

But S, even the most patient person has his own limits, what more me? I was not exactly bestowed with the blessing of being extremely patient. I have my boundaries too. You have crossed them many a time, and each time you do that, tears of frustration never fail to well up in my eyes.

Even when I expected you to do that. I expected myself to go away feeling extremely helpless. I expected it to turn out the way it was all those years ago. I expected the same all cynical comments, how you put me in the same league as all those people.

Why is it S, that I still ploughed on, determined for a change, when I knew your response will be so lukewarm? Why is it that I never seemed to give up?

Because, I was naive. Because, I never seem to throw in the towel. Because, I never seem to get tired.

But now, not only am I tired, I am exhausted. I am so, so, so exhausted S.

I was convinced by another person, that you will change. I believed that person. That seemed to be the truth that governed my life from day one. I believed that a person cannot be so oblivious to the imprints he left behind.

Again, you proved me wrong.

Why is it that whatever I say doesn't get to surface in your mind? Why is it that I feel as if I don't know you anymore? Why is it that I secretly wonder if this is the fair share of grievances that Fate alloted to me, to compensate for my good life?

S, I do not know what you want from me. I am throwing in the towel, really. When it comes to the crunch, even if my heart is screaming for me to look behind, I will walk forward.

Why?

Because, I do not know who you are, not anymore.

Because, I don't know who to turn to.

Because, you will never change.

And also S, because I am tired.

So, so tired.

2009-02-20T23:25:00.002+08:00

Work, work and more work

Sometimes, when I observe how two of my most prized posessions , which takes the form of my favourite teacher and my mentor, slog their guts out for work, my heart goes out to them. They are so responsible up to the point that they can be so negligent of their own health, just so that their work is completed and that their professional conscience gives them a good night's sleep. Whether they did get a full 8 hours of sleep is another issue which I seriously, shudder to contemplate.

I wonder, why as people become more modernised, matching their developments to be on par with that of science and technology, the importance of maintaining a healthy life get cast aside. I am not pointing an accusatory finger at the two aforementioned people but just that I feel, they got too bogged down by their call to contribute to the world's endless efforts to nurture bright and promising younger generations that they forget about themselves. This situation not only applies to them but to many others as well.

When I pondered over this for quite sometime, I found myself thinking ' That is so you FT/Mentor.'

Work, work and more work. Does that improve the sanctity of human life or does work make people feel like they are operating in an absence of normalcy? You wake up, you get dressed and you go to work. Come back home and still the word 'work' pounds hard on your face and your conscience, a somewhat living parasite that leeches on you.

But the cycle of life then continues. It brings fresh faces and ideas and compulsions. It brings commitment and challenge and hope and fulfillment. And desire. Desire to do better, to improve, to take a stand. Have visions, goals to achieve. Success to savour, dreams to fulfill. Because....

When you are all these, life is beautiful. I want to lead a beautiful life, we all do. With respect and admiration for all that it throws in our path. When your work is being 'paid' in terms of highest level of accolade people can attribute you to, you get energised. To improve on yourself, to give off yourself, to be true in all that you do.

But sometimes, the highest amount of expectations and compliments gets too heavy on your shoulders, as if you are bearing the weight of the world's woes on yourself.

Professional expectations can be good. It gives you an idea of what people expect of you, so that you have an ending point.

But, it may be said that some expectations, do kill.

I know for a fact, that my favourite teacher and Mentor put their responsibility towards work above anything else. Such is the degree of responsbility and practicality that they possess, that they actually do astound me. I wonder what is it like to be that answerable to one's actions.

When they feel unwell or tired and I asked them to rest, the standard response they give me is ' Work, fathiah work.' I was about to retort with ' Health, FT/Mentor, health.'

But my words always fall on deaf ears not because they want to show me that they are God's good people but because they do not relish the thought of having incomplete work. Having incomplete work in their definition, is like living without a conscience.

Sigh, the cycle of work continues. I will be caught in the vortex soon enough.

Maybe, when I am the one in the working fraternity and they are enjoying their retirement, they will be the ones saying that to me.

(:

2009-02-20T20:25:00.004+08:00

___________________________________________

I love my Mentor.

2009-02-18T19:31:00.003+08:00

Stop being so cynical

We commemorate Total Defence Day on every February the 15. The reason for us to remember this day is so that we appreciate the five aspects of a Singaporean life that is essential for us to remain united, peaceful and at harmony with one another.

I respect our government's efforts to ensure that racial discrimination does not take place anymore after the tragedy of the 1964 riots. 45 years ago, ties between two racial groups were so strained that we set out to eliminate the other by brutal murder. Now, such a situation does not exist, or even if it does, it takes place internally and not to such an extent that we hate the others who are residing in the same vicinity as us.

However, there are still some who are so myopic and uneducated to still stoke the fire by boldly commenting on a certain racial group and disregarding those who come from that particular racial group. So inconsiderate was she, that she didn't realise that her roots were not planted here in the first place.

Perhaps, my saying that she was inconsiderate was already mildly describing her show of disrespect for that group. She seemed to think that this group is so humiliating that it was belittling her societal status if she were to stand on the same platform with them. This person seemed to imply that she has been tolerating them because they displayed certain exhibits of negative behaviour that does not agree to her, the High and Mighty One.

Sometimes, I wonder at the incredulity of it all. When people who are born and bred here do not have an issue with maintaining harmony with one another, what more she, who does not have a right to put her two cents in? And with regard to tolerating, how does she qualify as the superior when we are past the era where it is legal for one group to enslave another?

I have been keeping silent not because I am a nice girl, but because I don't see why I have to engage in a heated discussion with her when she always thinks only her opinions matter. Other people's feelings pales in comparison because, we always have to think of your sensitive feelings.

Oh, I am past caring about your opinions. But come the time, you bear the repercussions of your one miscalculated move, I shall sit back and enjoy watching you sweat to answer for your actions.

Till then, aquaintance.

xoxo

2009-02-17T20:51:00.003+08:00

I detest spoiled brats

Have you ever been in a situation where you are so annoyed you feel like slapping the offspring of the inconsiderate but you cannot because you are wearing your school uniform?

Ask me, and I will most certainly look at you straight in the eye and affirm the aphroism. Because, I have been a victim of inconsiderate acts that sometimes I feel like giving that person a huge chunk of my mind.

Everday, I travel to school by bus. The journey to school is always a pleasant one, because there are not many commuters boarding the same bus as I. I would usually stare out into the quietness and quaintness of the sceneries that greets me. Such tranquility sometimes fills my lungs and my thoughts with peace.

However, such had not been the case for quite sometime, due to a family of four. To avoid humiliating this family, I shall then skip the appearance of this family. But, I shall not deign to be so kind as to not delineate what the children had done to torture yours truly.

The youngest daughter will choose that exact same moment where I was about to entertain fantasies to throw a tantrum. She will stamp her feet continuosly onto the ground and gesticulate wildly. I wouldn't have minded if she fractured her hands or legs because I think she deserves it. But what I minded a lot, was that she would wail loudly as if her dog had just died. Her wailing is not even pitiful to my ears, it grates on my nerves to such an extent that I was fully convinced my eardrums will explode.

Her wailing is so absolutely irritating that I almost wished she will go mute. Had that girl been my daughter, I would have taught her a lesson - at home. I do not believe in public displays of parental guidance.

Not only that but her older brother must have redefined the term 'spoiled brat.' Once, he refused to share the backseat with his younger sister and he just sat at the floor and started crying and shouting to his mother. His exasperated and irritated mother will coax him to stop all his antics and quietly sit next to her.

It happened twice last week and I couldn't contain myself any longer. While the Noisy One was throwing a full-fledged tantrum, I glared at him. He must have noticed the intensity of my glare because he quietly stood up and dutifully sat next to his mother.

Amidst all this chaos, is the oldest brother who is a well-behaved boy. He always listens to his mother and gives in to his younger siblings. I always wonder how three siblings with the same set of parents can have such distinct characteristics that it is almost appalling to me.

If tomorow and the subsequent days after that, that irritating duo creates a brouhaha, I will not be responsible for my actions.

2009-02-16T17:32:00.006+08:00

You know I love you but........................

...................

Why must you make me laugh like a mad woman everytime?

Today, was again a good day spent in school. The four of us laughed like a hyena at the expense of my dear Nadirah who was constantly the butt of our jokes. She will look at us three with her eyes narrowed into slits and say ' Not funny ah not funny.'

World, I shall today, humour you with the 8th wonder of the world.

My beloved Nadirah has a tendency to 'misplace' her worksheets at the point where it is due. It never fails to happen to her and you can imagine her panic when she realised that her homework was 'missing.' In actual fact, it was nestled neatly between her other piling worksheets just that she did not search properly.

So, today during lunchtime, we were in the canteen talking about our weekend plans. Azimah chose that exact moment to tell Filzah and I about the 'forgetful' friend of ours.

Let A be Azimah and N be Nadirah. FI is for Filzah while FN is for myself.

A: Eh you know she nearly lost her maths hw?

FI and FN: Huh you didn't hand in?

N: Got la I found it.

A: She always lose her hw one ah she. Last Friday also. She searched *mimicked Nadirah's panic* then say ' Eh I found it!'

A: Errr Nadirah, does thinking make your head hurt really? * pats N's head fondly.* then don't think okay? Later your brain will explode.

The four of us laughed until almost the whole canteen can hear us.

Oh people, I love you la.

:D.

2009-02-13T20:09:00.004+08:00

HAPPY DAY

Actually, title seems to suggest that I am unhappy for most of the days which is untrue. I am as happy as a lark for almost every day save for Thursday. Thursday's timetable can really make me bang my head against the wall and drag my feet to school.

Yesterday, during PE my most favourite subject( hint: notice my sarcasm), we were asked to improve on my standing broad jump by jumping continuosly over 5 or 6 long ropes tied to the so called barricades. I was fully convinced my teacher had been transported to a parallel universe in which he thought we were some athletes in training.

Because, aside from my classmates who are relatively good in SBJ, my attempts has always been an opportunity to feature my humiliating moment. I cannot jump that well, despite having supposedly long legs.

Anyway, today was quite a whirlwind day. I was asked to go to the doctor to take medicine for my beloved mummy and my baby, Syabil. I should ask for transportation fees I think. After which, I headed back to Second Home to give favourite teacher and mentor Valentines' Day gift. I can tell you, if favourite teacher is reading this, he is wiping tears of appreciation and wonder from his eyes because he had such a caring and thoughtful student. Plus, I have to admit, he will roll his eyes and say his most favoUrite phrase. ( read: the capital 'U' is an inside joke)

I know it but I won't say it because it would take a herculean task for favourite teacher to say or do that.

I must clarify this though. Contrary to popular opinion, I do not celebrate Valentines' Day in that I don't go out with my non-existent significant other or my friends. I just am commemorating this day to strengthen my relationships with people who I am close to.

The need for this clarification is so that some people won't start making conclusions on the basis of assumptions, from my MSN personal tag name or my wishes.

Okay, this has been long enough. I will update soon.

BYE.

2009-02-12T21:48:00.010+08:00

Happy birthday!

Dearest Nur 'Azimah bte Hassan

Happy birthday my dear.

May this year be a fruitful one for you.

Last but not least, I LOVE YOU.

P/s: I have decided not to include long and touching post for birthdays for my loved ones. I will only say it to them-privately.

2009-02-09T19:26:00.004+08:00

I Love You...... NOT.

Sometimes, watching sappy soap operas or sentimental dramas gives me a sense of longing. How I wish, my life will so beautifully turn out like the heroines I see on television- having a strong protective arm to shelter me from the harsh notions of life. I can smile and stare at the screen wistfully and I wonder to myself, ' Why am I not like that?' or ' Why am I still not feeling fulfilled?' The answer was already watching me by the sidelines, but I dare not turn to it. Then, I turned my attention back to the actors on celluloid. I will see the reunion of two hearts culminate into a happy marriage and they lived happily ever after.

How I fervently wish, my life was half as fulfilling as that.

As I grow up, I became more acutely aware that my Valentines' Day had always been spent alone, with the ghosts of my past and my future. I have never spent this day with someone on a personal level probably because I have always been pushing relationships to the back of my mind. Having a boyfriend has never been the top of my to-do lists because I thought I was still young. Now, though I am all of 17, I still have not matured, in the aspect of having a relationship.

I have always been a listener to tales of courting or the process of wooing, but rarely can I stand up and say ' I have been through it too.' Though some of the situations applies to me, I cannot say with conviction that my experiences has taught me a lot. In fact, it has made me wear a caution belt each and everytime someone gets introduced to me. I will only loosen the belt if my gut instinct tells me that this person can be trusted.

Looking at the way things are now, it doesn't take an Einstein or the equivalent to realise that nothing worked out, or if it did, it never got to see the light of the day.

Sometimes, I am struck dumb when people ask me ' Why are you still unattached?' or when they stare at me with a look of disbelief when I say I am still a player in the field of singlehood. I wonder why my personal equations with a certain someone bothers people. I do not mind answering but just that with people who are not close to me, my answers gets layered by shades of gray.

When a potential someone comes my way, people say ' Take him la, just try'. I took ten steps backward upon hearing that. It seems that a serious and committed relationship is disregarded nowadays. You are considered quite a catch if you do have someone, but when you are strangely unattached like me, you get thrown into a river of desperados.

That's why I find people amusing sometimes. I pursue something with a conviction that this will work out. I do not get entangled with someone just because I happen to be single. That, is not me.

Contrary to popular opinion, I don't have a set of criteria to which a man has to adhere to before I agree to a relationship. But people seem to think I have my own demands. Well, to each his own then.

The 14th of Febuary will pass by for me like how all the other days do. Nothing special, nothing to look forward to.

I know for a fact that my dateless status has been specially put up into a personal tag name by my dear,dear Mentor.

:D

2009-02-07T21:01:00.003+08:00

Disappointment

Just for once in your life, can you listen to yourself? I cannot believe you had the guts to say that. You disregarded people's feelings and just decided that the world revolves around you didn't you?

Listen to yourself. What did you just say? You thought the whole world owes you their lives. Everybody has to be at your beck and call. Did you think just for one second, that I have a life to speak off to?

No, you obviously didn't. Because, you went around asking people to help alleviate your 'agony' just because in your terms it was too much to take.

I have a lot of things to say, but I cannot. If I bring you down, in a way, I am bringing myself down too.

I did hope you would change. I had hope that maybe as you grow older, you will change. But you didn't. I don't know what else I can say.

I am terrbily disappointed in you. Perhaps, one day maybe you will change.

But I am done praying for that day to come.